YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS?
by sweetypie15
Summary: Try being Legolas. Having to deal with Aragorn's love life, teachers, his psychotic mother & her latest husband, councillors, detention and Pippin following you around asking stupid questions. Don't read if you have an idealised view of Leggy. Just don't
1. I HATE MY LIFE

Hey there people that read this story I don't own any thing in the Lotr except for my own characters (the ones I make up).

Anyway this fan fiction is about Legolas and what he might be like if he was Goth (by the way this is all in good fun so if you don't like it or are offended by it (I don't know why you would be but anyway) please don't bash it).

Its just some stuff me and Emily (my friend) thought was funny so yeah hope you like it.

**THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS?**

Try living in a world where it's impossible to buy headphones designed for pointy ears.

Try looking manly with eyeliner on.

Try getting a school shirt on over the top of a trench coat!

(The above is just a few things that Legolas has to deal with so now here is the story (oh and if you didn't understand anything all shall be explained)

Dear diary (**SHIT**) I mean, Journal (I so meant to do that)

How meaningless is life. I would end it now if it were not for the fact that I tried, on Tuesday, and the scissors were too blunt. Nobody understands. They fear me, as I am different, I challenge them, and they cannot handle the darkness. I present the truth no wonder they fear me, they are in denial.

Oh the loneliness, I confide in only you, on paper I realse how close I am to the edge, but my time is not yet. The world needs me, if only to remind everyone of there own pathetic smallness I am meant for more than this. Higher things. Aragorn owes me $4. They are so material. I am on detention, but my soul is free. They do not understand freedom, I express myself, and they are afraid.

**AWESOME**, the new Jessie Mc Cartney cd is coming out (must buy). Full Moon my Teddy bear has lost his ear, I hope I find it soon, he is lost and upset. Despair at total immaturity of pears. Hope they all die. Guidance Councilor forgot my name today. Oh and you wont believe what happened, today, in the morning before first period' anyway I'm in the principles office as normal and the conversation is going, as normal and the principle, Mr. Gandalf

Was all like: Legolas for the last time take off your trench coat or I'll call your mother.

And I was all like: (looks horrifiied then quietly removes trench coat)

Then he was like:(sighs tiredly) good now, remove the one, under your clothes.

And then I was like quwite calmly, I might add: WHAT! FUCK YOU! YOU CANT EVEN SEE IT! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I WILL NOT CONFORM TO YOUR NORM!

Then he was all like:(rubes temples tiredly) please Legolas can you not shout your giving me a migraine, and its school policy so just take it off and hand it over, or you will have to see the councilor and we will call your mother.

Then I was like: FINE you win this fight (takes off coat and hands it over) YOU MAY HAVE ONE THE BATTLE BUT NOT THE WAR (laughs like crazy person goes out and slams the door).

And do you know what he did the bastard gave me 3 months with the councilors because I "supposedly" have issues I do not have issues. I start my sessions tomorrow so whish me luck. Oh **shit** it's dinner, mums coming got to go write more tomorrow.

**LATER. **

P.S think I might try to hang myself tell you tomorrow how it turns out but if I don't then I'm dead and am in a better place.


	2. I HATE ARAGORN

Hey there so some very **AWESOME** people get me and my friends sense of hummer and for that you are all AWESOMELY cool and get a cake it says happy birthday so read and review.

Hope you like my new chapter this is just for the few people who have read this hope you like it my friends you know whom you are.

**THANKS.**

**YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?**

Dear diary (FUCK) Journal 

Man why the fuck did I lend Aragorn $4 in the first place? **STUPID**. It's been ages, he's mortal he'll probably die before I get my money. My stingy mother and her new (ish) husband don't get how expensive eyeliner is. I need at least $25 a week, not a lousy $10 (mum if your reading this which you probly are, you nosy cow, oops I didn't mean that, don't tell the step dad, please take the hint, I need the money, I love you will that make you give me stuff?) God, I must be the only Goth who buys his trench coat at, like, savemart.

In other news some complete **BARSTARD** has framed me for a terrible crime. Apparently some meany tried to hang poor little Pippin. They refuse to release details, but he was found hanging in the cupboard next to the darkroom (I love the darkroom). Apparently he was found nailed to the wall by his scarf. Rumor has it that the brand new scarf just happened to be, by random coincidence, exactly the same as my scarf, which I've had a week or longer.

His mother was distraught. Oh well unfortunately he survived. Oh goody, more fun ahead, it wasn't me, I was sick that day. Some argue I am sick (at least in my head) all the time, but to them I say, **die horribly**; I am no sicker than anyone else.

Anyway, I'd never stoop as low as to hang Pippin (he's like three feet tall).

One of my Internet friends, **XBLACKNiteSpiderbreath**, tells me that the reason that I failed to kill myself last night was the razor was too blunt, **WELL DUH**, I figured that out myself when I couldn't actually draw blood. But another friend, **ClawoftheDEMONChikBlood**, thinks I shouldn't have tried to use a chainsaw and that's what gave me away. Hmm, an interesting point.

**YAY!** Nirvanas on the radio. AM so good at air guitar. Shame Mum, I know you hate Nirvana.

Hungry. Yum. Chicken noodles. Not real chicken obviously. Am vegetarian.

My neighbor laughed at me yesterday. Well not sure if it was me she was laughing at for sure, but I threw bricks through her windows anyway. And nailed a dead rat to her door. Quite amusing. Then I burnt her house down, by accident, as all I intended to do was set fire to the curtains. Perfectly normal reaction.

I whish my neighbor would **DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!**

Anyway after the … regrettable … "Pippin" incident and me falling over and accidentally slitting both my wrists, I ended up in the guidance councilor's office. Again. In getting quite used to the disgusting green wallpaper in there. They'd somehow linked the two events and thought I'd tried to kill myself out of guilt for Pippin's attempted murder. **BULLSHIT**. I didn't feel guilty at all.

For some random bastard hanging Pippin and then slipping while holding scissors, I mean, Aragorn said (as a joke) 'don't run with scissors!' but that actually gave me a good cover up for how those cuts got there. How did they get there? I don't know, I'm sure I remember nothing. No idea.

So this **stupid** (new) guidance councilor bloody well accused me of having … issues… father issues…I don't have issues. I don't. **I DON'T HAVE ISSUES**.

He… agent smith a.k.a Mr. Elrond, is here while my old guidance councilor takes 'stress' related sick leave. (Wonder why?) He doesn't believe a word I say. Probably has trust issues, probably his girlfriend sleeps around.

Jeez why won't he believe me?

He's like:(raise's eyebrows) bruise's Legolas?

I'm like: No. Well. Some.

He's like:(pause)

I'm like: What's it to you? (Pause) **I FELL DOWN THE FREAKING STAIRS, OK? WHAT'S IT TO YOU? I'M CLUMSY- SO RUB IT IN! FUCK YOU! I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!**

He's like: Again?

I'm like quite reasonably: **YOU FUCKING MORON! WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE! ROT BURN! SUFFER! FUCK YOU! GO TO HELL!**

He got a bit quiet after that. The session ended Farley quickly. Weird. At least there's none of this "I want us to still be friends" shit. Nobody means that when they say it!

I don't know why he had to loess control like that, though; it's lucky I was so calm. Donno if he'll come back I seem to be using up councilors pretty fast. Next time they might send a dwarf. Cool if they do I'll set his beard on fire (I like fire Its pretty).

This new councilor (today's) had a file on me (**scary**). He recons that I have father issues. I haven't seen my dad for longer than a few hours for ten years. Its father's days tomorrow, think I need a hug; I'll stop writing now.

**AND I AM NOT FUCKING CRYING!**

**LATER.**

**P.S** Am cheered up significantly- Aragorn's just been dumped. Was sympathetic (ish) on the phone (though I only said about three words which is talkative for me, except when I'm swearing). Inside, though, I was going **HAH SHAME**, ugly human loser.

I knew Arwen would wake up and smell the coffee. I knew she had taste. I've known she had good taste since last October in the empty art room. Mind you she's not exactly … selective.

Arwen's such a slut, Aragorn's soooooooo clueless he still doesn't get it. I bet he's still a virgin.

Night Journal perhaps will not kill myself tonight …want to see who gets slapped, who cries (bet Aragorn will cry. He was crying on the phone) **DAMN IT**, he'll be so obsessed by his "heartbreak" he'll forget my $4 totally (note to self: kill Aragorn)


	3. FUCK!

**HEY THERE**, (I SHALL BE WRITING IN CAPITALS COZ IT MAKES ME FEEL KOOL).

SO YEAH **AWESOME** YOU LIKE THE STORY, AND FOR THAT YOU ALL **ROCK **ALL YOU **AWESOME** REVIEWERS KICK SOME **AWESOME** ASS.

AND SO I HAVE UPDATED FOR YOU (AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, YOU **AWESOME** THINGS YOU).

LOVE YOU ALL HAVE AN **AWESOME** NIGHT.

LATER 

**YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?**

Dear…Journal! **Ahah!** **I ROCK! ****I ROCK! **Ahem.

Well, I can officially inform you that…**THERAPY SUCKS** **MEATBALLS!** And I still get the urge to burn things… **SO SHAME ON YOUR NAME!**

Man I HATE attending school! I went like 3 times this week (to form class anyway) lucky, mum is so fucking gullible. I had a 'head ache' on thus/fri.

Oops, phone call. Apparently some ugly bitch doesn't appreciate her son being nailed up by his ears. Actually, don't know if she's ugly. Oops phones call. Must not judge by voices.

Am getting better at art. Teacher happy. Did not tell teacher it's all that practice tagging.

Strange absence of cheerleaders at school. Hmmm.

Have decided not ever to be nice again. Was nice to Aragorn on Friday. Lent him $8 to buy chocolate for Arwen (it's her 3001 b-day). He didn't remember, so I told him and he got her chocolate (with my money I might add) and she was like "oh Aragorn your so thoughtful" Grrr.

With that **$4** he already owes me that's **$10**. Smelly mortal bastard. I think **$8 +$4 ?** Well, Aragorn said it was $10.

Yeah, I walked into a wall and I have a couple of light bruises. My **step **– father is evil. He's **NOT** my real Dad; I **HATE** it when people get it wrong on **PURPOSE, FUCKERS**.

So, as I was saying, I was actually **NICE **to him on I Friday. And Arwen was all, like, happy. Just coz I felt sorry for him. I think Arwen felt sorry for him too. Otherwise, surely, they wouldn't have gone into Aragorn's car for so long. For a "chat."

Hmm, didn't think Aragorn had two brain cells to rub together to think of stuff to chat about. He's a very physical guy. His idea of a friendly greeting is to shoulder charge you. Am so bruised, hate being friends with Aragorn. Poor me bruised, broken.

Yeah, warned Pippin if he saves my life one more god damned time, I will **KILL** him, nasty little creep.

Arwen reckons Aragorn has a **GREAT** sense of humor. Hey, I laugh. They were looking at me and laughing. Whish he'd pay me back. **HAH Hah**, next time I'll tell the councilor that the bruises are because Aragorn beat me up.

**TIRRIBLE news!** Someone just informed me that Kurt Cobain off Nirvana is **DEAD! FUCK!** Was dying to see them live. Was sure they were lying, but apparently not. He had blown his head off in 1994, and the guy who found him and rung the radio station. **AWESOME! **But, am not famous, not even that great at guitar, yet so perhaps should wait until I'm in a rock band. Nah. Life is too miserable. Down to overdosing on throaties as "councilor mum" lernt about the suicidal possibilities of panadol at some "disturbed teen" course. Dunno why- she's not a teenager. Damn- too much scar tissue on my wrists. Wonder ankle veins bleed you to death? … **SHIT** …**blood** …all over the carpet…will get found out, of course, **WILL BE DEAD** by then. The pain will be ended … it's all Aragorn's fault people!

LATER. 


	4. MY MOM LIKE'S ME MORE THAN TED SHAME

**HEY**, I see more people read this story and then don't review man come on if you like it then review tell me what you like, what you want to see more of come on guys this a give and take relationship here.

Anyway for the few people that do read and review I just want to say that you guys are **AWESOME** and thank you so much for your kind words of encourage meant they mean a lot to me.

So now to put ford, to you this question do you think that Legolas should have a girlfriend, and if so, why? And what type of girlfriend should he have (if you tell me this I can create him one out of the ideas you have given to me).

Anyone can give me feed back on this I don't care you could even say you don't want him to have one or that you want to be his girlfriend (like you know if you have a character modeled after you (like me my character might make an entrance in this story) so review and tell me what you think of this idea.

Dear Journal

**Bloody hell!**

Hate my life. You-know-who (him who owes me $12 **not**$10 the evil **liar** –I used a calculator!) is following me around everywhere. He followed me into the boy's toilets-today. Finally I (**understandably**) snapped and pushed his head into a sink.

After all, was just about to kill myself and had been waiting all day for the toilets to be empty, and then I couldn't kill myself anyway, coz of Aragon (this was muttered).

He's puny for a jock. I held his head under the tap for a while. He actually looked a bit scared of me when I pulled him out. **OH YEAH.**

He told me he was following me around because he'd just done a first aid course and wanted to practice on me (apparently there'd soon be an opportunity for him to use his first aid "skills", **BARSTARD** using me just because I'm troubled).

**HATE **Aragorn, **BARSTARD**.

My life is so hard, no one cares, my own mother doesn't care, **OH** hateful world why do you despise me so, to have the heart to cruse me with such a life, poor me, poor me, I'm so alone.

Anyway, so thought my mum put chicken in my soup last night, and I of course was so right, and then when I confronted her with it.

She was all like: oh sweetie darling don't get so upset eat your soup.

I was like: **MUM** (starting to get really angry with the whole situation)

Then **"_Dad_**" was all like: just shut up and eat your goddamned soup _son_.

And then mum was like: please honeys just eat your soup.

And then I was like (through gritted teeth): mum you know I can't eat that.

Then she was like: why's that honey.

Then I was like still through gritted teeth): because mum I'm a …

Then dear old dad was like: pussy

And then I was like (after that last comment I pulled it together and was calm and collected):**I'M A FUCKINKING VEGETARIAN! YOU MORON! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T EAT MEAT! I HATE YOU!**

Then dad was all like:** DON'T SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER** **LIKE THAT YOU LITTLE …**

Then mum was like: **TED!**

Then he was all like: **WHAT!**

Then she was all like: **DON'T' YOU EVER SPEAK TO MY SON LIKE THAT AGAIN! **

Then he was all like: (silent)

Then I was all like: **YEAH SO SHAME ON YOUR NAME MOM LIKES ME BEST, SHAME TED, SHAME** (dose victory dance on top of table but some how mange's to end up flat on his back with soup on his head).

Anyway have to go now I think I will not try to kill myself tonight but will cut my wrists and pant a picture to convey my hurt, pain and inner turmoil, to the world and for this I shall use my own blood.

LATER


	5. THANK YOU SO MUCH

**Hey there**, my **AWESOME** reviewers. I'm sorry this is not an update, but after I post this I shall write a new chapter.

Ok so not a lot of impute on the whole girlfriend thing but from the reviews I did get you want him to have one and that's **AWESOME**.

Darksouled Saiyanphoenix (**AWESOME** name by the way) if you could give me that info on your character, which would be **AWESOME** of you.

**THANKS PEOPLE**.

P.S he may have a girlfriend so keep reading to find out.

P.P.S oh yeah, you can also now give me ideas for other characters if you want to have a part in this story. (And if you don't submit some ideas of what sort of friends and people he shall encounter in his life I'll make them all up (laughs like a crazy person runs away and sets fire to some curtains) have a nice day.


	6. DAMN THE MAN!

**HEY THERE,** I updated like I said I would so read review and enjoy. **THANKS. **   
**YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEM!** Dear Journal 

**FUCK SCHOOL!**

Why do I have to go, it sucks meatballs, fucking school. I now have detention for the rest of the year, because they found out that I was the one tagging all the rumors about the principle and Mr. Elrond, (in the boys toilets last week on Thursday) on the walls at school (it's all true I swear).

It was Valentines Day today, and every one was sucking face everywhere. Even the boy's toilet I couldn't even attempt to commit suicide, coz so many people were sucking face in there, (I feel robbed of my right to commit suicide) life is not fare.

Walked in on mom and '**DAD**' (Ted) having sex, am now scared for life. At this age or any age you should never have to see your parents getting it on (isn't it bad enough that I have to hear them going at it, but I get to see it first hand).

I hate my life I whish I could get hit by a bus.

Caught my mom reading my diary (**FUCK** meant to do that) Journal, today, Bitch fuck I hate her.

Am going to be going to Australia to stay with my dad (my real dad). Apparently he wants to make up for not being here to beat on me all the time, and now I have to make the sacrifices for this relationship to work. **BARSTARD,** **I HATE HIM AND MY LIFE**.

Got my knifes confiscated yesterday, apparently, it's 'illegal' for you to threaten people at school, or to have weapons on school property.

Am dieing in this world can't do shit and I always have to do what the **MAN** says, so in the words of Lucas off **Empire Records** (greatest movie of all time (well one of the greatest ay least) '**DAMN THE MAN**'.

Hate my life, would end it all, sept, that I have this history exam on Friday that I really need to go to, **SHIT**, it is Friday, **FUCK**, why am I at home now, **FUCK**.

**I HATE MY LIFE**.

Pushed Aragorn down the stairs yesterday, there was a lot of blood everywhere, and then they sent me to the councilors for my weekly, therapy session it was gay fuck hate my life. I had a group session this time and I had to share my feelings with every one.

**GOD I HATE THERAPY**.

They were all like: share your self with us Legolas; we don't bite (Then they where all laughing).

And I was like. **Hahahahahahahahahahahaha** **ha,** not funny shirt heads, you think your so great well news flash you suck and I hate you, and for some strange reason it smells like shit around here, this sucks you all suck, kiss my ass, I'm gone.

Then they were like: (silent)

Then I was like: (silent coz I was gone and down the hall burning things)

Anyway going to burn some ants at the park now, and maybe Ted's new sports car, Hmmm it could explode. Well write more tomorrow now I'm off to see a man about a lighter.

**LATER.**

**P.S my sister might be coming to see me and mom I hope she does then she will give me money.**

**P.P.S no wait hope she doesn't come she'll bring her boyfriend and I HATE HIM.**


	7. THE NEW GIRL

Hey there I don't own anything Lord of the Rings the trilogy, the Lost Boys and Buffy the Vampire slayer. Hope you like the update. So read, review and enjoy. 

I would just like to say a very special thanks, to **Darksouled Saiyanphoenix**. Your character is **AWESOME**, and I'm going to have fun writing in little encounters for Legolas to have with her, **THANK YOU SO MUCH.**

THANKS. 

Dear Journal 

**I REALYHATE SCHOOL, AND IT HATES ME! **

Ok so I was in the darkroom and so was the new girl Keaira Le Amos (she said I could call her Kali (Ka lee) sigh she has such a sweet sounding name like flowers… I …I mean… it sucks who would like that name…so …yeah) anyway so me and the new girl where in the darkroom, and we got to talking, and I found out some very interesting things about her, like that she hates Aragorn, just as much as I do, and she smells like wild berries, she likes the colour black, she hates her parents like me, and she loves Nirvana and Jessie Mc Cartney.

We ate lunch together and Journal her hair is so awesome, and she's Russian, and she's a Goth, Journal I think I've found the one person in this godforsaken school that can understand me, so to make her feel welcome, I pushed her down the stairs, now she's giving me the silent treatment, it sucks (I'm just not used to talking to girls, especially ones that smell so good…I …I mean…shut up).

Anyway, have been put into this school group thing, with all of these conformists. We are being supervised by the principle him self, **_oh what and honor to have thrust upon us oh how shall we ever handle this mass amount of pressure, oh my, oh no_** (and if you can't tell I'm being sarcastic here, **GOD**).

The school group thing, consists of Frodo and Sam (the gay lovers, even though, they deny it, liar's) Merry (I have nothing against him sept that he's Pippins cousin (I think), Pippin (little shit, I swear to god, one day I shall kill him (laughs like crazy person, while strangling a pillow, imagining that it's Pippin), Gimli (he's a dwarf that's all I have to say, you should know the rest), Aragorn (he still owes me **$12,** I will **never** forget, you hear me, **NEVER**), Boromir (another smelly human, and Aragorn's **_other_** best friend), me of course (the only one in the group that actually takes baths, I mean honestly just because you play football, doesn't mean that you don't have to take a bath) and the awesome, principle Mr. Gandalf (he gets it on with Mr. Elrond, in the boy's toilet (it's all true I swear).

Well yeah that's every one in this School thing they all suck and I hate them.

Anyway my sister (Jane) came to visit and she brought her new boyfriend and his posse (and he's not the one I hate, apparently, she dumped that one), and guess what he's a vampire, they are **AWESOME** (maybe I only think that coz they brought me some gifts) anyway Jane gave me this awesome knife it can cut a hole in the very fabric of time (now I have a cool new tool to inflect physical pain with). So you can jump from dimension to dimension (I think I'll use it to make Aragorn's life a living hell, yeah that's what I'll do). And David (that's my sisters new boyfriend) and his friends gave me this **AWESOME** motorbike it's a Harley.

Anyway Jane told me that She got David to turn her into a half vampire (I wanted to be a vampire, when she told me that, so I could live for ever, but then remembered that I was an elf and could already do that, so long as I didn't get really sick oh wait I'm already sick, forget I said anything) and to not tell mom (coz then mom would go ballistic and say that she disgraced the family, and then try kill David, and that would just be messy) and to also not tell mom that she found her real mother, her real mother sounds so awesome. I wonder if I'm adopted, **nnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr,** that would never happen to me, **GOD HATES ME**, so anyway her mom's name is Willow.

Anyway she also dyed her hair Blue, it looks awesome with my green hair, oh and now I don't have to go to Australia coz she said that she wanted me to come visit her in Santa Carla, I don't think I will, but that gave me a reason not to see my **DAD,** I win **hahahahahahahahahahahaha ha hahhahaha ha,** I always do.

Anyway was leaving school late yesterday, coz of detention, and heard strange noises coming form the janitors closet. So I was all like walking over to check it out, and so I opened the door and out fell Sam and Frodo. They were making out in there and I found out. God it was funny Frodo's hair was all messed up and Sam's shirt was unbuttoned (and he actually had I nice set of abs going on there (of course not as nice as mine) but still they were pretty good abs).

Anyway I have decided that life is not worth living so I'm going to end it all tonight, yep it will all be over tonight, because I don't want to have to sit and look at my mom and Ted, making eyes at each other over the breakfast table. It's bad enough that I had to witness them going at it, but to see all this sappy shit it makes me want to through up, god it's horrible.

Poor me, poor me, no one knows what it's like, the pain and suffering I am subjected to, they hate me and I hate them, this life of pain shall end tonight because I now have, panadol, and will take it all.

Goodbye cruel world, I hope to see you again in another lifetime, it is time for me to depart this mortal plane of existence.

I shall be no more, after tonight. I bid you a fond farewell. Don't cry for me I'm already dead.

**LATER.**

**P.S **might try (if I'm not dead by Monday) to make it up to Kali, I know, I've got the most **AWESOME** idea ever I'll get her a **NIRVANA** cd and chocolate and flowers and I'll even **apologize** and I never do that, **YES I'M SO AWESOME**, she shall love me yet…**FUCK** … I meant that she will love me as a **friend**…yeah that's it… a…**friend**.

**Hey there readers I wont have time to update tomorrow (but I might have time at night so I'll try then, ok), I'm going on vacation, actually I'm on vacation now, everyone in College, in New Zealand is and yeah I'm going to Australia, this week on Wednesday, and coming back next week on Wednesday, but while I'm there I'll try update, and if I can't then I'll come home, and I'll have an update for everyday I was gone, just for you guys, and hope you stay with the story, coz, I know people don't often like to wait for updates, but it will happen, I will update.**


	8. I THINK I'M IN LOVE!

Dear Journal 

Ok so I think I'm in love, I said sorry to Kali on Tuesday (coz I was in hospital on Monday getting my stomach pumped coz of overdosing on panadol, and she forgave me after I had explained that I have trouble talking to girls like her). Anyway Kali looked so pretty at school today and she understands and forgives me (she's to good for me), I mean I've only talked to her 4 times now but we have this very deep and meaningful connection already (she will be mine (laughs like a crazy person, then realizes what he's said and looks slightly flustered then try's to cover up what is said)…I …I …I mean… as a friend she will be mine as… a… friend…yeah that's it …a friend…yeah).

**GOD**, she looked so good (She looked so good I could eat her up… I …I …I mean I'm going to become a cannibal and eat people including her …yeah… yeah that's it…shut up) in her Black spaghetti strap shirt that says, "The only reason Hell isn't here is coz Satan's afraid of me!" And her black baggy pants with chains all over and black combat boots and black trench coat (I love trench coats) and she had on a spiked collar with a chain overlapping from spike to spike, that just made her look complete. But the only problem is she doesn't like me that way I can tell she's just always got that lets be friends smile on (I hate that smile).

Went to the school today it sucked wanted to commit suicide, but Merry and Pippin were following me everywhere I really wanted to get my new knife out and cut them a new ass hole.

It's spring and the school is going to be having a school dance I don't think I'm going to go I think I'll stay home and bleed out all my pain on my mothers new carpets (they are a deep sea blue). But then again it could be the perfect time to ask out Kali (**YEAH **… **yeah **…but she'll never want to go with me, she's to good for me, I'm trash compared to her).

Anyway got sent to the principal's office today, because I won't stop tagging all the rumors about Mr. Gandalf and Mr. Elrond in the boy's toilets (it's all true I swear).

Mr. Gandalf was so angry when I got in there (can't think why?).

He was all like: hello Legolas

And I was all like: you sound like a rapist is that what you did to Mr. Elrond oh my God are you going to rape me.

Then he was all like:(turning purple)

Then I was like: (silent then) don't hurt me I'm just a skinny little Goth boy.

Then he was like: (through gritted teeth): please Legolas will you just stop tagging all of these rumors everywhere and I'm not a rapist.

Then I was all like: **YOU SO ARE I WALKED IN ON YOU AND MR. ELROND GOING AT IT IN THE TIOLETS OMG YOUWANT ME TO KEEP THIS QUIET DON'T YOU.** So if I do keep this quiet then what will you give me?

Then he was like: (looks horrified then narrows his eyes) Legolas are you black mailing me (this is said in a deathly quite voice)

Then I was like: yes, yes I am.

Then he was all like:(glaring daggers at me)

Then I was like: **NO**, no, I'm not blackmailing you and I'll stop tagging it around the school.

Then he was like: ok Legolas I'll hold you to this you can leave now.

And then I was like: (runs out the door)

Anyway when I left his office I had to go to PE and play football I don't know why anyway, I stabbed someone while I was playing it was **AWESOME** blood was everywhere I felt like a kid at Christmas.

Have been caching Sam and Frodo sucking face everywhere even in some lockers (I like to go through peoples lockers and eat there lunch's it's fun) yeah coz they're so small they can fit anywhere It's so weird and they're flexible as well.

Mum has volunteered me to baby-sit for her best friend, and the kids are little too faced monster's I hate them, and the pay is crap. Why do they want me to do this anyway, they suck and, just to pay them back I'm going to set the house on fire, and dance around it till it is nothing but a pile of ashes, on the ground (they have cut in on my brooding time here and I am not happy).

Anyway have to go and create another master piece for art this one shall be mad out of human hair (not mine of course I'm not human anyway I'm an elf (it's too good for a school paintings) I'll use Ted's hair (I know I'll shave his head will he's sleeping) I'm a geniuses) write more tomorrow.

**LATER**

Hey their people thanks for all of your encouragement with this story it means a lot, and I'd just like to say a big thank you.

THANKS 

**P.S YODAS THE MAN HE ALWAYS WAS AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.**


	9. CHILD MINDING

**HEY THERE HAPPY PEOPLE I'M BACK FROM HOLIDAY WITH AN UPDATE FOR YOU, SO HERE IT IS.**

**BUT BEFOR I LEAVE YOU TO IT I KNOW THAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS STORY, OR ELSE YOU WOULDN'T READ IT, SO BE NICE AND REVIEW IT.**

**COME ON I'VE SAID IT ONCE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN THIS IS A GIVE AND TAKE RELATIONSHIP.**

**SO ANYWAY NOW JUST A LITTLE THANK YOU TO THE PEOPLE WHO DO REVIEW HOPE YOU LIKE THIS UPDATE IT'S FOR YOU.**

**ENJOY AND THANKS.**

**YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS! **

Dear Journal

A lot has happened since I went on holiday. Mum wanted me to get a job, so I did and let me tell you it, **sucks,** hated my job, so I set my work on fire as a statement that you can cook in a trench coat. I sadly was fired from that lovely pile of ash and rubble.

So mom found me a new job as a **child minder **(and no journal I am not a **baby sitter**) the devil child (**Denny**) thinks that I am a girl, and set my hair on fire yesterday. So I shut him up in the broom closet for 3 hours (that showed him little **shit**).

Anyway went to civic video store on Wednesday, and got out **SAW **(**brilliant** movie that one, love the bit where that guy saws off his leg it's so **awesome**…wonder what that feels like …maybe Ted could… or I could… **narrrrrr** Ted would never do it), and this other movie called **Lord of the Rings** (didn't like this movie as much though).

This movie was complete shit, **THEY STOLE MY FUCKING NAME! THE BARSTARDS! ASSHOLES! I MEAN WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM!** They made me look like a right **wanker**, they also stole Aragorn's name but at least he looks good the **WANKER** (**NOTE TO SELF:** push Aragorn down highest flight of stairs I can find) **BARSTARD** has all the luck.

Am now thinking maybe I should copy write my name and hair, to stop any other **WANKERS** from using it, I mean if you just **SAW** (**HAHAHA** get it **SAW** I'm so funny) me up on high that mountain (I mean I'm afraid of heights **GOD** people these days have no respect for my feelings at all I mean honestly) dancing around and looking like a right prat, I whish I could have pushed that idiot off, now **that's** entertainment.

**AND** they made me look **GAY** with every other character there they made me look like a man whore (I hate my self right now).

I wonder how many video tapes are actually out there and how many people have seen the movie.

**AND** did you know that there are stacks and stacks and stacks in the Borders (**NOTE FROM AUTHER:** for the people that don't know Borders is a book store), **AND** that the movie I've seen is just part of a trilogy, there are two more movies out there journal, that I have never seen, who ever made this movie **sucks giant meatballs**.

**AND** they have **books**, journal, **books,** who in there right mind would want to read about anal retented Hobbits, an old fart, a gay elf and dwarf and two emotionally retarded humans, who are to stupid to know that they obviously have feelings for each other, not me that's who.

Am going to crash and burn for my photography boards because I got all my photos confiscated. So what if they are all of my teachers getting it on in the boys toilets (every one does it in there, well I was there first journal (not the first to get it on in there but oh you know what I mean) so they should just clear off, cutting in to my suicidal time, that's my time, **mine**, no one has the right to monopolizes the bath rooms like that, if they are that horny then they should just do it in there cars like Aragorn and Arwen) it doesn't mean that they have the right to hurt my chance's of passing, now does it.

**EVERY ONE IS EMOTIONALLY RETARED.**

Kali is acting weird, she keeps asking if I'm going to the dance (in that HOT Russian accent), and then I say no, and then she gets all quiet like I'm supposed to ask something, then I'm like so are you going to the dance, then she says no and smiles, then I say cool, and then leave it at that then do you know what she does journal, do you know what she does, **she,** **IGNORES ME, GOD** I don't understand what did I say **WOMEN.**

**Night journal am going to spend the rest of the night trying to think up ways to get Kali to go to the dance with me.**

**LATER.**

**P.S **oh yeah I did end up bleeding out my pain all over mum's new carpet lets just say there is now a giant blood stain in the middle of mum's new carpet and I still have a lot of pain left.


	10. THE BROOM CLOSET!

**HEY THERE, MY LOYAL READERS, THAT REVIEWED, YOU ROCK THANKS SO MUCH, YOUR REVIEWS ARE SO AWESOME, I APRECIATE ALL THE SUPPORT, THANKS SO MUCH.**

**AND OH MY FUCKING GOD, DISTURBED, MAY BE COMING TO THE BIG DAY OUT NEXT YEAR, OH MY GOD.**

**SORRY I JUST HAD TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU.**

**THANKS SO MUCH.**

**LATER AND ENJOY.**

**YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS?**

Dear Journal

Am watching the devil child (**Denny**) right now, so I really can't say much, oh hang it all, I'll just put him in the broom closet.

So yeah I am officially pissed at kali, she is going with this asshole to the dance **bitch **(she has been ignoring me all day since I pushed her down, and through my lunch at her, I felt for sure she would talk to me after that)

Anyway have no life, and I need a hobby, so have now taken to opening other peoples mail and then smashing there letter box with a base ball bat it is so **AWESOME.**

Yesterday Denny said I was emotionally retarded, and that I needed a hair cut, but instead turned my hair pink, **pink**, journal **pink,** who does that, **little shit**, think he is anyway, I mean honestly, so am now currently wearing a hat.

Oh yeah, yesterday I got this awesome set of black contacts, that I'm going to wear to the **Disturbed** concert, to impress Kali hope she speaks to me, or I might just die, **narrrrrr** I would never.

Oh yeah, got these **AWESOME** happy tree friends and nightmare before Christmas t-shirts, am dancing on the walls, am so happy.

Going to see the corpse bride on Friday with Aragorn, he still owes me **$10**.

**Love** **chocolate** but some retarded third former stole all **MINE **and ate it too, I love Russia I really want to go there.

Have no life, I need one badly, have to study for my drivers license, will not pass and am planning to drive the car into a wall.

Anyway Mom has yet again been reading my diary. Am this close to snapping and going postal on her ass

Anyway got my knifes given back to me today, that was a mistake coz at that moment, Pippin said that I was his hero which I am not, the little **prat** is a retard, and I hate him so I cut him, and he bleed every where, it was so cool its like saying, pant the town red well I did with Pippin's blood that is.

Jane rang up today in the morning apparently her mom (her real mom) is getting married and she said I could come to the wedding.

I was all like: that was nice of her but no thanks

Then she was like: oh come on you can bring your girlfriend if you want

Then I was all like: uuummmmm………..**NO!**

Then she was all like: **YOU LISTEN HERE YOU ARE COMING AND YOU WILL BRING KALI OR I'LL TELL MOM THAT YOU LIKE KALI!**

Then I was like: (through gritted teeth) **YOU WOULDN'T DARE!**

Then she was like: **TRY ME BABY BRO I'LL DO IT AND BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!** look just come it would mean a lot to me if you did my mom really wants to meat you.

Then I was like: **FINE!** But I get to wear a trench coat and I'm not bringing Kali ok.

Then she was like: why not (in this really annoying sing song voice that just say's I know something you don't know) baby bro.

Then I was like: I ……I …I …I mean …**SHUT UP YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.**

Then she was like: (again with the annoying sing song voice) whatever you say baby bro night love ya sweet dreams.

Then I was like: yeah, yeah, night (hangs up phone)

I mean who does she think she is, I mean I do not like Kali.

Excuse me journal, I need some time to brood, I think I'll write more tomorrow night journal, think I'll paint tonight. Can't kill myself because I said I'd go to that wedding, for Jane at least, so yeah night.

**LATER.**

**P.S FUCK! DENNY'S STILL IN THE BROOM COLSET, FUCK! NIGHT JOURNAL, I HAVE TO GET HIM OUT NOW, FUCK! SHIT! FUCK, FUCK!**


	11. I'VE LOST DENNY! FUCK!

**Dear Journal**

Ok, so I've lost Denny, the little shit, is gone I don't know where he is, ok Legolas, he's got to be here, somewhere, anywhere.

Come on bucket head show your self, **FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, SHIT, SHIT**, I hate my life, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

**I HATE MY LIFE!**

Why me god, why me lord, why do you hate me so, why load, why, wait a minute, is that laughter I hear, it is, that shit he planed it.

Oh when I find that little shit, I'm gona kill him, and hurt him, and I shall kill you all.

Denny, I have to find the kid before his parents get home, wait a minute, is that, yes it is.

**NIGHT JOURNAL** for real this time, I found him.

**LATER.**


	12. Harpy Dotter

Dear Journal 

Ok, so I found out who the fuck wit is that's taking **_MY_** Kali to the dance, and I just have to say that I am not impressed at all, not one little bit, so yeah you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

His name is **_Harpy Dotter (Harry Potter)_**, or something like that, anyway, **_MY_** Kali said that the only reason she is going with him, is coz the person she wanted to go with doesn't even know she exists, and all I have to say to that, is what an ass hole, god snubbing **_MY_** Kali like that, if I find out who this dip shit is, I'm gona bleed him out on the walls of the art rooms, and pant a pretty picture with his blood, to express the feeling of hate, I feel towards him at the pain he has caused **_MY_** Kali.

Very big news, this is so huge, a senor … has… lost … his … **RING**, and according to him, this ring has powers that you wouldn't believe, (yeah whatever he was probably high when he brought that cheap gold knock off anyway) update you on the situation as it escalates, (coz apparently this Sauron guy thinks some hobbits stole it) what a whack job, I mean honestly, some people are just paranoid.

Ok, so there I was, on the street at 12 o'clock midnight, minding my own business when this drunk comes up to me.

And he is all like: hey you…yeah you, the one with the funny hair, you got a dollar.

And then I was all like: **NO!** Mister drunk man sir, I do not have a dollar for you, and now could you kindly… **FUCK OFF!**

Then he was like: **FUCKING TEENAGERS! FUCK YOU! YOU UNGRATEFULL LITTLE SHITS! I WENT TO WAR FOR YOU!**

Then I was like: **YOU ONLY LOOK ABOUT 25! YOU RETARD! SO USE YOUR BRAIN! THERE HAVE BEEN NO WARS AROUND FOR YOU TO GO TO! SO YOU DIDN'T REALLY GO TO WAR! SO SHAME ON YOUR NAME! YOU CRAZY DRUNK MAN!**

Then the police came, and I spent **4** hours in a holding cell, before Jane came and got me out, I think she was pissed coz when I rang I could hear **_David_** in the background, it went something like this.

I was all like: (nothing coz I was ringing her)

Then she was like: **WHO THE FUCK IS THIS! SHANE! IF THIS IS YOU! I'M GONA RIP OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS! AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS! YOU PICE OF SHIT!**

Then I was like: **_JJJJJJJaaaaaaannnneeeeee_**, (in this really annoying voice that I reserve just for her when I want something) I need you to come get me out of Jail.

Then she was like: **WHAT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN JAIL! **Oh wait don't tell me, I don't want to know, (she said this in her tired voice) so, how much is your ass going to cost this time? (I do this a lot)

Then I was all like:**_ 500_**, (I said this in a very quiet voice, because if you know my sister like I do, she sometimes has a tendency to over react, like that time I killed her cat, completely by accident of course, I was trying to see if it could breath under water, (it couldn't) who new, that would kill it.)

Then she was like: **_500, 500_** big ones! **WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!** (Then she said to someone on the other end) yeah, yeah it is my ass wipe shit for brains brother, yeah, I know, I'm so sorry baby, I'll make it up to you when I get home, k.

Then I was like: I resent that comment, see you soon.

Then she was like: nothing she just hung up the phone, how rude.

When I got in the car she was so angry and quiet it scared the shit out of me.

Then she said that I owed her one. Then reminded me about the wedding that I have to go to next Saturday, that just made me think of the dance this Friday, and what I was going to do to this **_Harpy Dotter_** shit, from now till then.

I think I have anger issues or something like that.

Oh yeah anyway changed my hair back to its original color, **BLACK** (ok so that's not my original color but it was the first colour I dyed my hair).

Went to the councilors today, and then got told that I would never amount to anything good, like a rock star, or a washed up child actor, and that maybe I should stop thinking about dropping out of school, and becoming a bum, and start to think about where my art could take me.

Never try to photograph hooker's, coz they get vicious when they find out your not going to pay to have sex with them (Oh yeah right, like I want to fuck some 50 year old hooker, in the back of my dads jaguar, yep that's me on a Saturday night, **GOD**, people that do that are emotionally retarded).

Denny's been very quiet lately when I've come to watch him and it's making me paranoid, I once new this crack head (he lived down my street) that shot his dog co he thought that his dog would rat him out to the fuzz, maybe… I could… shoot Denny yeah that would stop the shits brain from forming a revolution agents my corrupt regime.

I am Hitler and he is the Jews, wait Hitler was over throne from his place of power fuck I don't want ta be Hitler (and he was a racist and I'm not) ok very bad example, how bout this example its full proof nothing wrong with it, I am god and he is an ant and I shall crash him.

**HAHAHAHA** my brilliant mind is too much to handle you small pathetic insects you think your so great but really we know beta don't we.

**Ahem**… night journal I'll see you tomorrow well not see but you know what I mean night journal I have to go read Shakespeare (hamlet) something no one can understand.

**LATER.**

**Hey there, so here's an update for you lovely people you are all so awesome thanks so much you are what keeps me going on the updates, so yeah, hope you enjoyed this new chapter.**

**LATER.**


	13. SO SORRY

**HEY THERE, I AM SO SORRY THAT IT TAKES ME SO LONG TO UPDATE, IT'S JUST MY INSPIRATION IS LEAVING ME, AND YEAH BUT I'LL GET IT BACK, I SWEAR, AND SOON I'LL HAVE EXAMS SO MY ATTENTION WILL BE SPLIT, BUT I SHALL TRY HARDER. **

**SORRY AGAIN. **

Dear journal

I hate my life god hates me failed my drivers test who new that if you drive really fast on the motorway that you might hit some one well I didn't and hit some one well not some one I hit a brick wall and it wasn't on the motor way it was in a car park who new that would happen the driving instructor was so angry my defense was that he didn't do his job right.

Then Ted thought he could teach me but I only ended up driving the car into the kitchen he was so angry he didn't say anything sept now put it in park like it was my flat, god people just don't like me and I really can't think why.

Aragorn I hate him he is such a prick thinks he's so great running for class president like he did so mi thought a week old carton of milk at him, Pippin think he can fly and yesterday jumped off the drama departments roof, he is now in hospital in intensive care he broke 8 bones, fractured his wrist and ripped all the ligaments in his foot and also succeeded in giving himself a concussion, I was the only one who thought it was funny and laughed so hard I cried but apparently because I did I have to see the councilor to fix my troubled mind troubled mind yeah right.

Went and sore Charley and the chocolate factory what an awesome movie loved it hated every one sept Johnny Deep he was awesome.

Gimli thinks he's cool coz he's on the football team he can't run for shit shoved his head in the hand basin at school yesterday that was awesome he had a blue face for the rest of the day I thought that was so cool.

Anyway found some satanic symbols on the net today they are so cool here are just a few: **abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz **they are so awesome.

Oh yeah here's an update on that hole ring situation ok so yeah that Sauron guy was right and apparently it (the ring makes you invisible) so you could sneak into the girls bath room the girls are very upset about the fact that he could do already have done this and it's made them very angry and hostile towards the boys.

Anyway can't think of anything new later Journal I shall write again soon right now I think I have to go set the neighbors house on fire coz they annoy me.

**LATER**.


	14. THE PIGS

Dear Journal

Yes it's me again, am now in the shits, the people next door called the pigs, and now am sitting in my room being quiet so that I can hear what they are saying about me, to my mom. **HATE MY LIFE;** I had set fire to the door when the pigs showed up.

They where all like: what are you up to there Legolas.

And I was all like: **eat shit ass wipe.**

Then they where all like: look here kid just go back home we don't want any of you lip (then notice the fire creeping up the door) **DID YOU SET THIS HOUSE ON FIRE BOY YOU ARE STUPID MY GOD SOME ONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.**

Then I was all like: (creeping off into the night so as not to get in shit for setting fire to the house)

Now journal I can hear them talking to my mom, who is defending me coz she loves me, and I love her. She's so cool, my mom is the greatest, well she **was**, now she's bringing them up here, I hate that stupid bitch, later journal; I'm gona jump out my window and hide.

**LATER.**


	15. LUNA LOVEGOOD AND THE DANCE

Dear Journal

I have a date for the dance tonight, my date is Luna Lovegood, shit this chick is mental. The only reason I'm going with her anyway is coz I heard that Harpy Dotter has like this huge crush on her, and I want to piss him off real good.

The other day Kali shoved me into a wall, she is so hot when angered, it was awesome she was so close that I could see that crazy person look (that I get when I try to kill myself, or another person) in her eyes, it was brilliant she looked so fine.

Anyway am now getting ready for the dance, as it is tonight, am so going to ask to dance with Kali, and then when I'm dancing with her I'll tell her how much I like her, and respect her, and then she shall love me for ever, coz I will love her for ever.

**HAVE NO LIFE AND THE ONE I HAVE NOW IS SHIT I HATE YOU ALL!**

Think I may have split personalities, and that is why I'm so fucked up, it would explain a lot of shit.

Ok so I was at school, and I have apparently been forced by my **_FATHER,_** (**ok so this is a note to the readers Legolas from now on will refer to his real dad as Father and nothing else so yeah**) to join the school council, **OMG,** who the fuck does he think he is, I mean come on he's gone for what 8 years, and now he takes an interest, the nerve of some people, I mean honestly.

So I'm at this council thing, and all we talk about is that cheap gold knock off they call a ring, and all this shit, and then Boromir starts to insult Aragorn, so I stand up to join in but then mister high and mighty, oh look at me, I'm the son of that blind deaf retard, that crashed his car into a stream, because I was running from Sauron his gang of ugly jocks, and I had the miss fortune to think a cheap gold knock off, was pretty (his words not mine).

Anyway, so Aragorn is being insulted, and I wanted to help so I stand up to help, when the poof himself, just assumes I'm a good friend and starts to say all this shit like, 'hey Legolas man, thanks and all but dude, sit down ill handle it' what a dip shit, I mean come on people, **WHAT THE FUCK!**

Anyway, now I'm part of this group thing, like I need another group thing.

Gona kill Pippin one day, mark my words one day soon, just as soon as he gets out of intensive care, the little shit has got my email some how, and keeps talking to me when I'm playing dungeons and dragons, **FUCK WIT**.

Anyway so haven't tried to kill myself in what a month, so I was thinking, what's a really creative way to die, and then it came to me, the perfect way, so I heard about this guy who wanted to eat himself, and posted that on the internet then when he found another person willing to do it, they met up and did it, sadly he died, (he bled to death) but anyway, I was thinking of jumping off a bridge, or a high building, or even the wall outside my house, it could do some real damage, but is that really enough to kill me?

**I THINK NOT!**

Anyway journal have to finish getting ready I'll write more when I get home from the dance later dayz.

**LATER.**


	16. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! DO YOU?

Dear Journal

Can't talk well write for long, oh who cares, anyway so I get to the dance and as soon as I get there Kali is like all over me (but don't ask her she'll just deny it) we were making out hard core and Harpy Dotter and that Luna chick hooked up too, so no one was left out, sept Aragorn, but it's ok we can laugh at him hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha see if I can do it you can, it's really not that hard, I want some cheese, have been smoking raisins all day, and now have the munchies.

Kali and me are going to have heaps of kids, but lock them in the basement, coz kids suck meat balls, I want a cat, my cat was hit by a car, Journal have I ever told you about my cat, of course not coz my cat is boring, that's why, and it makes no difference that I hit my cat with my car does it? Of course it doesn't I'm just being stupid.

Any way so I went up to Kali at the dance.

And I was all like: Kali you are my dream, don't ever leave me.

Then she was like: I hardly know you.

Then I was like: but I know you (and went to hug her)

And she was like: we haven't been properly introduced (she said this as she pushed me away)

And then I was like: is that how people in your world fall in love they're introduced how sad how boring, people like that are human waste. Kali my love come away with me and be mine forever more. (I said this as I swept her up into my arms)

Then she was like: oh Legolas I've never seen this side of you before

Then I'm like: (drops her on the ground as some people walk past) yeah, yeah I'm a real Casanova; you don't think anyone sore me do you.

Then she was like: (nothing she was ignoring me **AGAIN**)

Then I was like: oh come on don't ignore me, be my girlfriend 

Then she was all like: oh Legolas yes

Then I was like making out with her for the rest of the prom it was** AWESOME**.

Anyway I found out who she had been holding out for to go to the prom me isn't that weird she never dropped any hints at all so I'm completely stumped that she wouldn't say anything I always sore her as the get what she wants kind of girl maybe I was wrong.

Anyway now I have to paint this really **AWESOME** picture of Kali naked and I'm gona use my own blood for it her birthday it's coming up and guess what she said that she would love to come with me to the wedding,

I'm so pissed mom keeps trying to find out if I'm on drugs it's so annoying shit here she comes gona lock my door think I'll sneak out the window and see kali.

**LATER.**


	17. I HATE KALI!

Dear Journal

Hey, I have just slit my wrists and spread all my blood all over the next-door neighbors new kitchen; I have done this because I hate them, more than I hate cheese (I hate cheese, because I ate 500kg's of the Swiss shit, and had the runs all day yesterday).

Tomorrow I have to go to my sister's mum's wedding alone, coz Kali is a bitch, and no journal I do not want to **TALK ABOUT IT.**

**I hate my life.**

**i hate you all.**

**i really hate cheese.**

Had a thought yesterday, 'what would it be like to saw a cheer leaders legs off,' first I thought how cool, I can hang them on my wall, but then I started thinking, and no, I mean really thinking, that would be way to messy, and I can't risk more blood stains to the carpet, since the one I made when I decided to bleed out my pain on the carpets wont come out, and anyway mom would die, then come back to life, kill me, then die again.

**I hate you.**

I wonder can you kill god, coz that would so be worth being good for, wait and be good all your life, then die, and kill god I'm so smart, **hahahahahahahahhahahahaha, ha, ha.**

Tried to immortalize the moment on Tuesday, Kali now hates me, all I did was stab myself and ask her to do the same we could have committed suicide together, but **_NNNOOOO, _**she saidsomething about dieing on the side of the road, or was it something about, 'you want to immortalize the moment now, after you said to me you would never leave me are you high,' and no journal, I was not high, just a bit pissed off my face, that's all.

Oh yeah, found the six signs of the dork: (they are as follows)

Looks like dork: dork.

Skinny: Fag threat to manliness

Just plain looks funny: Gets my mind off of just how amazingly stupid I am.

Weird leather Boots: San Francisco (and you know what that means.)

Stands out in a crowd: must be ridiculed.

Puny muscles: just begging to have ass kicked

I think Aragorn has all of these things and more.

**ARAGORN IS A DORK.**

**I HATE HIM.**

**I HATE YOU.**

**I HATE KALI.**

**I HATE MY MUM AND FATER.**

**I HATE EVERYONE.**

I have no life, but I want one, night journal I'll write more later, I'm off to find a life, and kill my self, yeah, I'll through myself off a really big bridge, that's, an, **AWESOME**, idea journal, glad, **I,** thought of it.

**LATER JOURNAL.**

HOPED YOU LIKED MY NEW CHAPTER, IT IS JUST FOR YOU. I TELL YOU THERE IS SOME REALLY MEAN PEOPLE ON FANFICTION. NET, SHIT AND YEAH, SOMETIMES IT'S JUST LIKE WOW, JUST A STORY 'dude don't freak out'.

ANYWAY LOVE YOU ALL.

**LATER.**


	18. CAMERAS IN MY BATH ROOM!

**THIS IS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE I WOULD LIKE TO SAY A VERY BIG TANK YOU TO THESE PEOPLE: (THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS)**

**1.Darksouled Saiyanphoenix:** I want to say **thanks,** for the very **AWESOME** character that you let me use and I love writing little situations for Legolas to get into, and also all the really nice reviews you give me. Also what do you think of Mudvayne, I would like your opinion on this, as you seem to have very good taste in music. Oh and before I go, I think I would like to put in a stalker for Legolas, girl or guy, and your good with characters so if you have any **AWESOME** ideas tell me I'm all ears, lol help me mess with his life some more, oh come on it will be fun.

**2.lolly pop3:** now what can I say about you oh yeah I know you are so **AWESOME** and I really love all your reviews and every bit of encouragement and nice comments you write **THANK YOU SO MUCH.**

**3.Hippie Jade: **Your reviews are so nice and I love reading them. I think that you, **Darksouled Saiyanphoenix** and **lolly pop3** are the most consistent in your reviews, and that's why I wanted to thank you all separately, and well you are really **AWESOME.** I would now, like to say **AVERY BIG THANK YOU, TO YOU** **Hippie Jade,** so thank you for all the reviews.

And thank you to all the people that follow: **Icebolt, Heng Huo,**

**StingynKel, My Sister (**and to you** YODA IS SO THE MAN THERE IS NO ONEW ELSE NO ONE CAN REPLACE HIM COZ HE IS THE MAN, **thank you**), THECheeseTurkey, RMC, satans-sister7, 1000-lies-told, Ice Is Cold, Quellesirel, Peredhil, mrsblonde1503, INMH and XoGiggles **

**THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH AND HERE IS YOUR UPDATE (by the way I'm a little ammped up on sugar so this could get weird, you have been warned)**

**Dear Journal**

Ok, so far in my life every thing was going good, Kali and me are back together and no one remembers Jane's mums wedding, thank god for that (and no I will not tell what happened), well not yet any way, but that's not the problem.

Ok so I was on line last night, and I found it the most shit scary thing in the world, a website devoted to me, **me**, **ME JOURNAL, ME.**

And did you know what they had on there, a picture of the guy from that movie lord of the cheap gold knock off, that one that ripped off my name, the one that plays me in the movie, sept he makes me look like a right prat.

Anyway they had stories about me… and… and… oh its to horrible to say, alright I'll just spell it, **A, R, A, G, O, R, N,** Aragorn, Journal Aragorn, as a couple.

I hate that fucker, but no apparently we match or something that is a load of horseshit.

**HE DOESN'T BATH AT ALL.**

My god, and there were others like ones where I get raped by all these big huge men, and a member of the fellowship saves me, and then we get it on, ok, they mad me into a fucking man whore.

**I hate my life.**

So to get revenge on these stupid obsessed people. I wrote my own story, about how I killed everyone, and took the ring for myself, it was so **AWESOME,** and there was a lot of chapters that I used to just torture Aragorn and Pippin. The story was brilliant, a real stroke of genius.

But for some odd reason, I was given all of these really angry and some threatening reviews. Until I had had enough, so I went on to there little chat room (under the alias of **I'llKillYouAll34**), and told them that I thought that they were fags, that they had no life and that all of there stories, where fucking crap, and who did they think they where sending nasty shit ass emails to me, did they know who I am, and if they didn't they should pull finger and buy a clue.

After that I was evicted from the chat room, and the site and could not return for a month, which pissed me off.

So I sent the jackass that ran the site, and all the other shit heads on the site, a virus.

**Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa, hahhahaha, ha,** fuck that was priceless, I wish I could have seen their faces.

Kali wants to name owe first child Arian, and I don't have any idea why.

I want to name owe first child Bob, weather it's a girl or boy, when I told Kali that she hit me in the back of the head, and told me not to be a smart ass.

But, I wasn't Bob is a good name.

I have dug a giant hole in the garden. I started on Sunday and now its Wednesday, I have decided that the hole shall now be my new swimming pool.

We now have new neighbors, the other one's moved out on Friday I was sorry to see them go because, Denny (who if I never told lived with them) he stole my knife, and now I'm pissed, have to buy a new one.

I wonder if I killed the tree out back anyone would care, mom probably wouldn't but Ted might, oh well, what can you do, bedside's I already killed it on Sunday to make way for my pool, ha Ted's out side now wonder if he'll notice I'll just lock my door incase he wants revenge.

Oh well I have to ring Kali and ask her where she wants to go on Friday night. Night Journal.

**LATER.**

**P.S.** I think the government is watching me in my bath room, have taken to pissing off the side of the hose, and when I need to take a shit I use the down stairs toilet, have also stopped having baths. Kali doesn't like this and thinks I'm starting to smell. Will look for cameras later tonight. Night Journal.

**88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888**

**HOPE YOU ALL LIKED IT I AHSLL UPDATE SOON NIGHT, NIGHT. YODAS THE MAN. LOVE YOU ALL AND ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAYS. IT'S CHRISTMAS SOON.**

**NIGHT.**

**LATER**


	19. ICE SKATING! oh what fun!

**WHAT THE HELL IS A TOROG SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN? I AM VERY CONFUSED, VERY, VERY CONFUSED. TWO PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME NOW IF MY STORY IS ONE, AND I HAVE NO IDEA; IF IT IS, OR IF IT ISN'T, HELP.**

**ANYWAY LEGOLAS NEEDS A STALKER ANYONE WITH IDEAS ON WHAT THE STALKER COULD BE LIKE LET ME KNOW, IT WOULD HELP ME A LOT. **

**I HAVE NO BRAIN, IT'S MADNESS.**

**ANYWAY THE YODA THING IS JUST THAT REALLY YODA IS GAY I JUST SAY HE IS THE MAN BECAUSE I WANT TO DISAGREE WITH MY SISTER, I JUST WANT TO BE CONTRIVERSHALL. LOL.**

**I SAW THE EXERSIZIM OF EMILLY ROSE ON FRIDAY NIGHT, IF YOU REALLY GET INTO IT WHILE YOU ARE WATCHING IT, IT'S REALLY SCARY.**

**SO YEAH HAVE A VERY AWESOME DAY.**

**LATER.**

Dear Journal

My mom thinks I'm five years old, I hate her.

Kali thinks I'm immature and childish, just because we went ice skating, at 'Paradise Ice Skating' and sat in the belchers. Watching all the little kids fall over, and every time that happened I would laugh and through ice snowballs at them, it was fucking funny but Kali didn't seem to think so.

Jane and David have broken up, and she talked to me till two in the morning about it and cried a lot.

I hate it when chicks do that it sucks, there eyes get red and puffy, there noises run, there faces always get all splotchy and then they ask you repeatedly does it look like I've been crying, till it drives you to the point that you just want to scream, "enough already, you look like shit, and no one cares that you have been crying, GET A GRIP, GOD" but no, oh no don't say that, because if you do it starts all over again, except this time inanimate objects seem to fly at you as she screams stuff like, "I hate you, you piece of shit" "you insensitive jerk" "you pig" "get out and don't come back".

I hate to see girls cry; it scares the shit out of me. **(Crazy mother fuckers)**

Ok so yeah.

I smacked a hole in my bedroom wall the other day, now I have to pay to repair it, this blows monkey balls, now I have no money I'm so poor.

**I HATE MY LIFE.**

Ok so I went on to this Vampire name generator thing and I came up as:

Balo Black, known in some parts of the world as: Samurai of the Hungry and the **GREAT ARCHIVES RECORD**: One of the poor who howl at the door of the Rosary and the garlic strung cross.

Lol, I'm so **AWESOME **I have a vampire name I'm going to role-play now (you, Journal, are to tell no one of this, or so help me god, I will burn you at the stake.)

**Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahyahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahabhahahahahahahahaha ha,** I just slipped down the stairs, and I think I broke my ankle oh well I'm having pizza for dinner, it's gona be **AWESOME, **and Kali is coming over to watch **saw**, she hasn't seen it.

Until next time Journal, it was fun, don't cry for me I'm already dead, I love cheese.

LATER.

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

**HEY THERE HOPED YOU LIKED MY UPDATE ANYWAY THIS IS MY VAMPIRE IDENTITY I AM THE _EMPRESS OF THE FAR EAST_ KNOWN IN SOME PARTS OF THE WORLD AS _CERRIDWEN OF THE HIGHWAY THIEVES_ AND I'M RECORDED AS _TAKES MORE THAN GOLD FROM THE RICH ON THE HIGHWAY-TAKES BLOOD._**

**I LOVE CHEESE!**

_**LATER DAYZ.**_


	20. ARAGORN LOVING FREAK!

HEY THERE, MY OH SO AWESOME READERS.   
TO DAY LEGOLAS IS MAKING A SPECIAL APPERRANCE ON MY FANFICTION. 

"I'm always in your shitty fanfiction **I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER YOU HALF WIT**. And really I don't want to be in it any more and you can't make me"

OH YES I BLOODY WELL CAN, YOU LESTEN HERE I OWN YOUR GIRLFRIEND, AND I'LL JUST write IN THAT SHE HATES YOU, AND HAS STBED YOU TO DEATH.

THEN, THAT WILL MAKE YOUR ALREADY SAD, SAD LIFE EVEN MORE PATHITIC, AND YOU'LL DIE AND I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU ANY MORE.

"All right, all right, I give in I'll stay and I won't say a thing not one little thing I give my word"

THERE IS ONLY ONE PROBABLEM WITH THAT, I DON'T TRUST YOUR WORD. ANYWAY YOU HAVE TO TALK YOU'RE HERE TO SAY HI TO THE READERS OF THIS OH SO AWESOME STORY. HA YOU HAVE TO TALK.

"Oh fine, Hi, I just really have to ask why you like this trash. The author is a really shitty writer, oh and she likes **ARAGORN**, so don't review coz then she'll cry and I'll laugh"

YOU ARE SO MEAN, AND SO WHAT IF I LIKE ARAGORN, HE'S NICER THAN YOU I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS ABOUT HIM, HE WOULDN'T SAY SUCH THINGS TO ME. WHY DO YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH ANYWAY?

"Do I need a reason he never takes a bath that's a reason"?

THAT'S IT, NO MORE TALK, TALK FOR YOU MISTER, YOU GO TO TIME OUT. AND YOU GET NO GIRLFRIEND IN THIS CHAPTER SHE HAS GONE ON HOLIDAY.

ANYWAY SORRY HE IS SUCH A PRIK, OH AND HERES YOUR UPDATE.

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO, OH AND I NEED A NAME FOR MY STALKER ANY IDEAS REVIEW AND TELL ME I WOULD LOVE TO HERE THEM.**

**LATER.**

Dear Journal 

Yes Kali and me are still together, and **STOP LAUGHING AT ME,** I know you are.

You never had faith in me, that my oh so **AWESOME** relationship with Kali, would last this long. Well you know what you can just go, and die in that corner of my room, the one that has that really big, fat, black, hairy spider in it.

**I HATE SPIDERS.**

Anyway Kali went on vacation yesterday with and now I'm all-alone.

**I'M ALL ALONE, THERES NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME**, fine, fine I'll stop already anyway am rrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy board, because **I'M ALL ALONE THERES NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME.**

Anyway lately I've been receiving these really weird messages, written on paper kind of like a letter, but written in blood.

Any way, they keep threatening me with death, one said this I'll type it up for you and only you but first, let me enlighten you on why I'm getting threatened with **DEATH**, it is because of my friend and yours, **ARAGORN** that stupid frail fragile human who shall die next time I see him, has gotten himself an admirer, I HATE HIM he is an **ASS HOLE** and a **CHICKEN BOY** slash **LIMP NOODLE. **(Anyway who could admirer that I mean its Aragorn)?

**I LOVE CHEESE.**

Anyway, this is what one of them (the letters) said:

Dear Legolas 

You don't know me, but I know you, I watch you when you sleep, when you eat and when you take a leak. (Hey I rhymed)

I know every thing there is to know about you, and I just have to say, **that THE WAY YOU TREAT YOUR FRIENDS IS APPALING, AND I HATE YOU FOR IT. ARAGORN IS SO BRAVE AND HANDSOME, KIND, HONEST, RHICH, SMART, CUTE, FINE, HOTT, HARDWORKING, ATHLETIC, STRONG…**(it goes on like this for, four pages front and back (I'm not writing it all), I really hate the chick that wrote this, I mean they must be blind Aragorn handsome, what a load of meatballs, they must have an eye problem).

You really got some nerve Legolas, hurting MY ARAGORN like you do a daily basis**, I HATE YOU FOR THIS, AND I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL,** and believe me when I say **I'LL BE WHACHTING YOU.**

Oh and I also know your address; home phone number, mobile, locker combination and your girlfriends address. (And believe me when I say, I'm really not above hurting her)(Can you believe this **BITCH**, she said, she was going to hurt **MY KALI,** and when I find out who is sending me these threats, I'll make sure they feel a lot of pain, and then I'll beat Aragorn so bad in front of them and then kill him, and kill all there family until there is no more of them left alive here on earth, Hahahahahahahahahahahaha ha) Anyway the message is clear, **touch Aragorn and you get it** and then your girlfriend will **DIE.**

Yours Sincerely.

**Mistress X** (oh yeah like that's original)

**P.S.** Oh and have a lovely day, **and Legolas I'll be watching you.**

What a weirdo, I mean honestly.

Anyway, am really tired of this psycho, I have had no Aragorn beating on time, so I've had more Pippin beating on time it has honestly been good for the soul, 'if in pain beat on Pippin' that's my motto.

Anyway am now compiling a list of things that shall bring great pain to Aragorn as soon as I find out who this psycho is.

I really, really want to beat on him, and I'm going to and I'll laugh, this **Aragorn loving freak** doesn't scar me, **hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha**, he shall feel great pain.

Later Journal, I'm off to make Aragorn bleed an, scream.

**LATER DAYZ.**

**88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 **

**HEY LEGOLAS IS IN TIME OUT MY GOD HE IS SO INFUREATING AND HE IS NOW MAKING FACES AT ME AND IS NOW DOING HAND SIGNALS ANYWAY DO YOU LIKE GOT SOME IDEAS FROM RMC OR Sarah West THANKS NOW ALL I NEED IS A NAME.**

**Darksouled Saiyanphoenix do you have any ideas of a name it would help a lot oh and everyone I shall update tomorrow. **

**LATER. (i love cheese and cake, i'm gona go make some)**

P.S. now some randomness from Mulan:

'**If I was my really size your cow here would die of fright, down Betsey'**

'**Alright that's it dishonor, dishonor on your whole family… make a note of this dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow' **

**(Shang)'Soldiers'**

**(All pointing at Mulan)'He started it'**

**(Shang talking to Mulan)'I don't need anyone coursing trouble in my camp'**

**(Mulan talking to Shang) 'Sorry… I mean sorry you had to see that, but you know how it is when you get those manly urges and you just have to kill something, fix things, and cook out doors'**

**(Shang talking to Mulan)'What's your name'?**

**(Mulan talking to Shang) 'Uh…I…Ah'**

**(Chi Fu talking to Mulan)'Your commanding officer just asked you a question'**

**(Mulan to Shang) 'I've got a name and it's a boys name to'**

**(Mushu talking to Mulan) 'Ling, how 'bout ling'**

**(Mulan talking to Mushu) 'His name is ling'**

**(Shang talking to Mulan)'I didn't ask for his name, I asked for yours'**

**(Mushu to Mulan) 'Try ah, ah chu'**

**(Mulan to Shang)'Ah chu'**

**(Shang to Mulan)'AH CHU'**

**(Mushu talking to himself)'Gesundheit. I kill myself'**

**(Mulan, talking to Mushu)'Mushu'**

**(Shang to Mulan)'MUSHU'**

**(Mulan to Shang) 'NO'**

**(Shang to Mulan)'THEN WHAT IS IT'**

**(Mushu talking to Mulan) 'Ping, Ping was my best friend growin' up'**

**(Mulan to Shang)'It's Ping'**

**(Shang)'Ping'**

**(Mushu talking to himself) 'Of course Ping did steal my girlfr…'(his mouth gets covered by Mulan hand)**

**(Mulan to Shang) 'Yes my name is Ping'**


	21. SPITBALLS!

HEY THERE, PEOPLE THAT READ AND REVIEW.

**LOVE YOU.**

SO ANYWAY, LEGOLAS HAS SPENT TWO DAYS IN TIME OUT, AND I'M NOW HIDEING UNDER A TABLE.

YOU SEE **'MISTER I CAN DO WHAT EVER I WANT COZ I'M THE STAR'** WAS GIVING ME LIP… SO I SHAVED HIS HEAD.

ANYWAY LONG STORY SHORT, HE NOW HAS A FOLLOWING OF **MIDGETS,** AND HAS CHASED ME WITH A **BUTTER KNIFE**, FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS, DON'T TELL HIM I'M DOWN HERE.

**OH SHIT!** HE FOUND ME,

**WELL LATER DAYZ!** (As we fade out to the next chapter we hear "now Legolas lets be reasonable" and then lots of deranged laughter)(Have a fabulous week, and eat cheese)

Dear Journal

I am annoyed, Kali is not back yet, but we got into a fight on the phone something about how I don't pay her enough attention to her, and she wants to be romanced, and how I'm oh so slack.

Anyway, **I HATE KALI** right now.

Oh yeah if you didn't know am currently in the hospital, with 4 broken ribs, my leg's broken, a fractured wrist and the mother of all physical injures a BLACK eye, and all thanks to** ARAGORN**. The tosser, I hate that **ASS WHIPE**, how I hate life.

I have learned a very interesting lesson, do not beat Aragorn so bad that he can't walk, in fact don't touch him or you shall be put into the hospital, in intensive care and that sucks monkey balls.

Have now found the art of the spitballs, and am spitting them at this 50 year old man. He is very angry and is foaming at the mouth, it's cool he looks deranged, **hahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha ha, ha hahahahaha ha**, now he's pressing this button and pulling crude hand jesters at me, **hahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha.**

Have discovered the beauty of the button you press to get something. I'm so **annoying **that they had to disconnect mine, but I could be dieing and they would never know. Ha i'm gona win, **hahahahahahahahahahahaha**, I don't know what yet but I will win it, so shame on your name………………………………………………………………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. **AM Very bord**…………………… **hate my life**…………………

………………………………… **have seen harry potter**…………………….. **the new movie**… **and it was**… **fucking awesome**.

**have no life.**

**will off myself tonight**. (I think I shall try to drown myself, tell you how it turns out)

**oh, the pain that bitch Misstress x put me through**, (but she dose have abnormally large hands, interesting, very interesting, must investigate) oh well, night journal I shall try to bare the pain for one night, until then I bid you a fond fare well.

**LATER DAYZ.**


	22. ARAGORN LOVING FREAKS!

**I DON'T OWN A THING, SO YEAH! EAT LOTS OF CHEESE! AND STAY COOL AND IN SCHOOL!**

Dear Journal

**Have lost the will to live.**

**I can't go on, life is so unimportant.**

Have also jammed my fingers in the door, Kali wont talk to me, coz I made this comment about her sounding like a pig on the phone, and, I'm all alone there's no one here beside me.

Am thinking about ending it all tonight, I'm gona chuck myself out of my bedroom window, even with my broken ribs, leg and fractured wrist. I just figure that even if I survive, I'll just get more battle scares to add to my long, long list.

Oh and on a lighter note, have not received any more death treats from the man whore-loving freak. That has got to be good, or it could just be the fact that because I can not walk, I have not seen Aragorn yet (or as I like to call him the big giant git) and hurt him, nnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr can't be I would never let anything stand in the way of coursing, Aragorn pain, it's just not me, it's just not natural.

Anyway my oh so lovely mother has decorated my room for the season, I hate her have now taken to dropping sharp objects on top of Ted's head, oh yeah journal also forgot to tell you he screams like a girl hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

**YES, YES** I am aware of how sad my life has gotten now since the Aragorn loving freak (who sounds suspiciously like the guy from across the street (note to self: push him down flight of stairs, the tallest I can find, and wait to see what happens next) got his hands on me.

**CHRISTMAS IS HERE! LETS ALL DO A LITTLE DANCE!**

Anyway, mom tried to make me hang decorations today, but we just got in a fight anyway, coz she was a **bitch:**

She was all like: Legolas honey, help me hang the decorations.

And I was all like: Sure mom whatever you want, and then maybe after, we can hold hands and skip.

And then she said: Oh honey I would love to.

And then I was like: **OH MY GOD WOMEN!** ARE YOU really that thick! I was being sarcastic I'm seriously hurt here! how could you even think to ask me to help you hang decorations! **I hate you! you never understand! I hate my life!**

And then do you know what she said, she said: Oh sweetie darling, when did you hurt your self.

Well, I was just so mad all I could say was**: out! **

Anyway later days, journal tonight I'm gona kill myself for sure, so I'll write you after, if I survive the fall, night.

**LATER.**

HEY THERE! MY OH SO AWESOME, PEOPLE, THINGS!

**I hate my life!**

OH LOOK AT THAT, LEGOLAS HAS SOMETHING NEW TO SAY! (Lol I'm so funny haha I crack myself up)

**And I hate you; to don't think that just because I'm your creation, thing, that you have power over me, so shut the fuck up! You, mere mortal you.**

OH THAT IS IT MISTER, **_I CAN LIVE FOREVER_, _you can never kill me off or you won't have a story!_**I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE OF THIS SHIT! OR I'M WARNNING YOU I'LL HIT YOU WITH A BUS, IT IS SO NOT ABOVE ME TO DO THAT!

**Silence.**

HA, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! **HAPPY CHRISTMAS MY OH SO AWESOME READERS! **AND THERE IS ANOTHER UPDATE SOON SO YEAH! Sorry for how long it took with this update, but lots of things going on, so yeah sorry again!

**LATER.**


	23. OH CRAP!

**Dear Journal**

Journal, I have just learned that when you through your self out of your bedroom window, you do not die, you get lots of cuts all over your body from the glass.

Am now lying on the grass, shit journal that is a lot of blood, I'm really starting to feel light headed now shit this is fucked up.

** Four hours later **

Oh **shit**, how long have I been out here it's dark, **oh crap**, there's blood everywhere! Wait a minute this is what I've wanted since like forever.

Oh, I know, I'll just lie here and wait for death, to over take me, shouldn't be long now.

** Four hours later **

**Oh FUCK!**

I'm still here, **oh bloody hell.**

I'll just call an ambulance, **Jesus Christ!**

I never die oh well there's always next time.

Got to go journal I can hear the ambulance now. might as well give a good show of it.

I'll update you on how I am later, ok bye journal.

**LATER.**


	24. FAT PIG!

Dear Diary (oh for **fuck sake** I so meant to do that (then quietly to himself) I thought I grew out of that)

Ok Dear Journal (got it right this time so yeah)

I'm writing now coz yeah I just had this huge fight with my doctor, and he stabbed me but I got him good, I pushed him through my glass window, and I'm on the thirteenth floor.

Cool right, I looked out after he was gone and there was blood everywhere, it was awesome, no one loves violence like I do.

Anyway, have now found out that no one will come near me because they think that I'll try and off them, like I did the doctor.

Well what they don't know is that, **KALI IS A PIG! AND SHE IS SLEEPING WITH PIPPIN BEHIND MY BACK! Bitch! **

Well that was weird, just had to get it off my chest, and it's all true I swear, why would I lie, have I ever lied to you, **shut up**, you don't know **shit.**

I have had excessive amounts of candy today, can you tell?

Haldir came into see me today:

And was all like: Aragorn says hi.

Then I was all like: shut up, I don't want to talk about him.

Then he was like: you have to speak to him some time Legolas, so stop being a baby.

And then I retaliated by ignoring him for the rest of the day, so he just left muttering about childish elf's, so I through my vase at him and hit him in the head.

Jane also came to see me, she is now dating this guy, named Logan something didn't really listen to every thing else that was coming out of her mouth, until she told me that he had metal claws, that shot out of his hand.

Yeah and I beta watch myself or something about dieing a very painful death at the hand of a crazy mutant thing, then she started to ask me about Kali so I said she was I pig, then got slapped in the head for being as she said it an ass hole.

**Well ssssssssoooooooooooorrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy.**

I'm not like mister sensitivity but come on, would you like to listen to a girl that sounds like a pig on the phone, no that's what I thought.

So shut up, you don't know shit and yeah then Jane said that I smelled and that as a form of punishment she was going to get this gay guy to give me a bath, well now I hate her.

**Have no life.**

Hate jelly and that's all I can eat it sucks dog meat that I can't have a quterpunder (note to reader from author: I love that burger and I want one now write more later hungry now)


	25. LOVE YOU ALL!

Dear Journal

Have been playing the Backstreet Boys nonstop to annoy all the people in the hospital.

They hate me now, this is Legolas saying Christmas sucks journal, I hate life, I hate you, but I don't hate Kali.

We made out for half an hour today, and she said that she had a special gift to give me journal, and get your mind out of the gutter, she is not like that.

So…yeah…Pippin came to see me with Merry, and gushed for about two hours about how he is so sorry that I fell, and then said that he would hurt him self the same, if it would ease my pain.

At first I was excited, but then I thought what it would actually be like to spend Christmas with that nut job, and yes journal, it would suck more than Christmas usually does.

**GO TO HELL!**

Have been subjected to Christmas chorals, all day, sung by christens, that can't sing and think that if they sing loud enough, it will make up initially for there off key voices, never mind if it makes me deaf.

**GOD HATES YOU ALL!**

FUCKING CRISTAINS! TRY CONVERTING ME AND I'LL SHOVE THAT BIBLE UP YOUR ASS!

Fuck! Now I have to eat that horrible shitty food man life sucks.

Anyway Haldir still is in a snit with me, coz I haven't apologized for throwing that vase at him.

I mean what am I supposed to say I'm sorry it hit you, or sorry you got in the way, or what about sorry I hit you, I meant it at the time, but I don't now, but that's just the thing I still mean it, even now.

If he were here, I would probably do it again just because he would be here.

Anyway he's a **prat**.

Ok so I've decided to not give presents this year, coz they just do not deserve them, come to think of it I never give presents anyway, oh well their loss really.

Anyway, mum has made the entire family come to the hospital this year and eat Christmas dinner, **hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha**, they get just as much of a crappy Christmas as I do, lol.

I have just killed Christmas for everyone, except dear old mum, I swear nothing ever dampens her mood; she is kind of scary that way, oh well.

So far I have ruined a lot of people's Christmases this year, and so far I think this is a personal best for me.

God I hate this time of year, man it sucks lord have Mersey on your **soul**, and Bart's **soul**, and Maggie's **soul**, and everybody's **soul**.

Hey now I have nothing to talk about, so I have decided to write the letter, s, until I can think of something important to say.

**Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.**

I have it, wait, no, no I don't, it's gone.

Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Ok so yesterday, I had decided that I would be a little shit all day.

Fist I faked a seizure, and by the end of the day I had convinced all of Fridays staff, that I get seizure's, then at every mealtime, I would throw all my food on the floor, and scream that they couldn't put my tray there, because a dead person was sitting there.

Then on my walk, I went into a room that held some guy that thought the government was spying on him, and convinced him that I was a government agent sent to kill him.

It took eight nurses and four doctors to convince him that I wasn't working for the government.

Oh and I also started a fight with this drunk guy, over a bottle of water.

All and all, it was a fun day at the hospital.

Have also been reading JTHM, (Johnny The Homicidal Maniac) it is a fucking AWESOME comic book; oh Squee, and I Feel Sick are also very AWESOME too, so you should read them as well.

Ok so my faveroute bit out of the JTHM comics, is the bedtime story bit, I'll write it out for you now:

'OH! AND THISIS THEPART THAT REALLY GETS ME! HEE! HEE!'

'OKAY, SO I HAVE HER STRAPPED IN JUST LIKE THIS. AND SHE'S CRYING, DOING THIS GREAT "LETS BE RATIONAL" ROUTINE!'

'I WAITED UNTIL SHE WAS AT HER MOST FRANTIC, AND, EH HEH! AND…'

'I STARTED THE MOTOR! BUT THE STRAP AROUND HER HEAD WAS TOO TIGHT! THE STRAPS WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO CUT OFF BLOOD CIRCULATION. BUT …**giggle**…BUT…'

'BUT IT WAS SO TIGHT IT JUST CLAMPED HARD AROUND HER SKULL! YOU COULD HEAR IT CRACKING LIKE OLD WOOD!'

'AND SHE'S SCREAMING! AND SHE STARTS CURSING ME AND TELLS ME SHE WONT GIVE ME THE SATIAFACTION OF HEARING HER SUFFER! AND …HAH! HOO! HAH!…AND…'

'JUST AS SHE GOES QUIET, TRYING TO BE SO STOIC…**HER EYES SHOOT OUT OF HER HEAD! **AND SHE JUST **SCREEEAMS! HA! HA! HEEEAHHAHAAHAA!'**

'**HA! HEH! HEH. HA**AAah.'

'What's wrong? You don't think that's funny?'

It' so **AWESOME**, I love that comic book.

Oh got to go, the head nurse is coming, **oh shit**, and she looks pissed, write more tomorrow on Christmas day, night, night.

**LATER.**

**HAVE A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS!**

**AND I DON'T OWN ANYTHING, SO YEAH, LOL.**

**LOVE ALL MY READERS! HAVE AN AWESOME CRISTMAS DAY! WITH LOTS OF PRESENTS! AND FOOD! AND MOST OF ALL LOVE!**

**I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK ALL OF THE PEOPLE THAT REVEWED MY STORY! EVEN WHEN I DID'NT UPDATE FOR LIKE DAYS ON END, AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT SO, YAY! **

**HAVE FUN! SING SONGS! PLAY GAMES! AND DANCE TO HEAVY MEATAL MUSIC FOR HOURS ON END!**

**LATER DAYZ! **

(Oh, the reason I never say bye, is bye, is like forever, and I don't like to ever say good bye forever, unless you hate me, and I hate you, but I don't, so I can't say bye, so I wont)


	26. 100 REVIEWS! LOVE YOU ALL!

Dear Journal

Well ok so all I really remember from Christmas day, is… nothing… actually, I don't remember anything at all, while except, that when I woke up on boxing day, I was naked in some Japanese peoples house, and they **would not** stop screaming, it was madness.

Oh, and I ate a big red candle, don't ask why but I have a videotape of just me eating it, and then throwing up afterwards.

Well yeah, anyway, I missed new years because the doctors had to drug me, and strap me to my bed, so I wouldn't try to escape, and eat more candles.

What did you do today, well I'll tell you what I did, I had a group counseling session, oh yes that's right everyone had planed it,** apparently,** I had gotten to violent to suicidal, and the fact that the hospital staff won't come near me, **apparently**, means that I'm out of control.

Anyway, everyone was there, all my family, Aragorn, Arwen and the list goes on and of course Kali was there, she looked asleep half the time.

I guess you are probable wanting to know how I handled the Aragorn problem, well I ran after him with a chair.

Chased him out side and beat him badly with a baseball bat, I keep strapped to my leg, yes that's right journal, keep a baseball bat strapped to my leg at all times, and yes I have had to use it.

Like this one time, Pippin asked for the time, and I beat the crap out of him, or this other time, when Pippin thought it would be cool to invade my personal space, and sit with me at lunch, so I beat the shit out of him.

Or this other time, Pippin tried to hug me, but I couldn't find my baseball bat so he ended up hugging me, but you bet when I did find my baseball bat I beat him so bad he couldn't walk for a week.

**Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,** **good times** (wipes tear out of corner of eye (from laughing so much) and sighs contentedly).

Come to think of it, I always seem to be beating Pippin up**, oh well!**

Anyway, I'm being shipped off to brat camp, fuck, **fuck, FUCK!**

My stalker is back, and was not impressed with what I did to Aragorn. In fact, she was so angry that, that bitch, went behind my back and talked to my mom, and now she (my mum) has raided my room, and taken away all of my stuff, and replaced it with a desk, lamp, bed, wardrobe, and book case.

Oh yeah, and how could I forget, she has painted my room pink, **that whore**, oh I'm gona kill that old hag, the slut I can't stand it. **FFFFFFFFFFFFFuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk!**

Wow, glad I got that out of my system.

Anyway, gotta jet Journal, it's time for my visit with Kali, so yeah,

**LATER.**

**I HAVE 100 REVIEWS! AND I LOVE YOU ALL! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! OH AND KEEP ON TRUCKING!**

**OH YEAH, AND STAY HAPPY!**

**Legolas, do you want to say something to the people?**

**YES I DO, I HATE YOU ALL!**

**OMG! YOU DON'T GET TO SPEAK NO MORE! BAD ELF! BAD! **

**LOVE YOU ALL!**

**Good morning star shine the world says hello.**


	27. BRAT CAMP!

Dear Journal

I am at brat camp, and here at brat camp they like to teach there campers, things like, sharing your feelings, being honest, working as a team and how to deal, with your anger towards people, in a calm and rational, manner.

**OK! WHAT THE FUCK! SINCE I FIRST GOT HERE THEY HAVE PREACHED TO ME THEIS VALUES! AND SO FAR ALL THEY MAKE ME WANT TO DO IS SLAP THEM AND SAY: **

'_**HEY YOU STUPID MORRONS YOUR WAY OF DEALING WITH ME IS NOT WORKING GET A NEW ONE, WANKER' **_

I mean, come on, if you know I'm just going to get violent every time you open your mouth, then maybe you just shouldn't, **OPEN YOU BIG FAT MOTH! WANKER!**

On the first day they took away all my weapons, make up and dark clothing, and that's not all, they even had the audacity to shave my head, well lets just say, they came away from that fight with more than just my hear as a trophy, they were all so sporting some broken noises, a cut lip, some black eyes and many, many, burses.

And I came out of that with no hear, I would have to say, I really did get the worse bit, I mean they took my hear they tried to break my sprit, but all they did if they did anything at all, was make me stronger and defiantly more viscous.

Anyway, ha you have got to here this journal, they made us go on this walk, or tramp thing.

Anyway, so like if you stop then the whole group stops, well they use peer pressure to get you walking again and yeah. So I decided that I was going to sit down, and refuse to get back up again, to see how long it would take for everyone to get back up.

Ok so I like picked my spot and everything, and when we were walking along under some shade, I just sat down and refused to get back up, it was so funny first they asked me to get up nicely and I said nicely back:

'_**FUCK OFF YOU WANKER! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M RESTING HERE! DICKHEAD!'**_

Next they stepped back and let the peer pressure run it's course, and well everything was going to plan, they really thought it was working, until I pulled a botches knife on one of the campers and threatened him with it when the adults weren't looking. After that all the other campers stayed away from me, and said nothing about the fact that it was getting dark and we were not even half way there.

Well after about four hours, and me not even showing any signs of walking for a long time, they struck up a deal and gave me back some of my dark clothing, all and all it was a good day.

Ok, and so that night when we finally made it to camp we sat around and started to share with the group about why we were here (you see when we first got here, we got to see this video tape owe parents made about why we were here, and to tell you the truth journal, I wasn't really paying much attention to it anyway).

Anyway, so it gets to me and they are all like: Legolas why don't you tell us about why you are here.

And then I was like: how bout, you go **fuck your mom!**

Then they were like: Legolas, you watched the tape right? (And at my nod of yes, they continued) so, why don't you tell us something that was on the tape?

Then I was like: **hey**, I said I watched the damn thing, not paid attention to it.

There was a long silence after that, and then they just turned and moved on to the next person.

Well now, I'm sitting down on owe lunch break, waiting for us to start to move again, and we are now.

So later journal, write more tonight.

**LATER.**

So sorry this has taken me like a lifetime to update, and I hope you like it.

Any ideas would be most welcome, and I need to have some more characters like the campers and adults there (at the camp) you know like names and personalities and all that Jazz.

So anyone out there wanting in on this put ford your ideas and yeah I'll love you foreva and eva and eva and eva and eva.

Sorry Legolas couldn't make an appearance but he has now become obsessed with the anime Gundam Wing.

So until next update:

LATER.


	28. JAKE THE JOCK!

Dear Journal

We had another session of sharing today I mean we have some fucked up people here I mean they are really fucked…but not as fucked as me that's for sure,

Ok so first we have Jake the jock yep that's right Jake the jock hey it rimes Jake the jock, Jake the jock sat on a rock. Hahahahahahahaha I'm so funny hahahahaha all shall love me or die…hahahahaha…ha…haha…ha…Ahem… anyway he likes to 'burn thing's' (his words not mine). The asshole burned his house down in an attempt to kill a spider.

**Fucking Wanker!**

Anyway then there's this guy named Zim and man is this guy awesome he thinks he's here to take over the world…jackass…anyway he is trying to get inside owe minds and destroy us from the inside out, it's not working out to well for him coz every time he try's to play stupid mind games with me I beat him with things the other day I used a pot, fry pan, sleeping bag and tin can.

**Little Shit!**

Oh and you will not believe it we have a hippy here at camp ha I always make a point of destroying the environment or eating a huge stake in front of her just to piss her off ha and it works the other day I set fire to a tree and she attacked me with her hippy incense that are supposed to bring calm all they bought me was five stab wounds and eight burns.

**Damn Bitch!** (Hope she burns in hell)

I've been fine in fact I have just discovered the awesome world of the WWE (world wrestling entertainment) and I like to practice my moves on the councilors when they least expect it, haha hahahahahahahaha it's great fun.

So all in all I think that this camp is pretty cool, has it made me see the era of my ways…hmm let me think bout that …hmmm no…no don't think it has, am I going to stop nope, but yep this place is still cool I beat people up here and no one gives a shit no cops to be annoying and the best thing in the world no mother who loves me life is sweet.

Hahahahahahahaha I'm gona mess with Jake the jokes mind hahahahahahahaha, night journal.

**LATER!**

**SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG BUT IT'S UP NOW SO YEAH HOPE YOU LIKE IT BUT IF YOU DON'T PLEASE BE CONSTRUCTIVE WITH YOUR CRITCISUM ALL IDEAS ARE WELCOME!**

**LATER DAYZ!**


	29. THE BLOND WIG!

HEY THERE! PEOPLE WERE WORRIEDABOUT ME I FEEL SO LOVED! YAY!

I really don't see why, they where probably just worried that they would never here about me ever again!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DON'T MAKE ME LAIGH!

YOU MY DEAR LEGOLAS ARE AN ASSHOLE! NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Kali likes me!

So shame on your name!

NOT AFTER TODAY SHE WON'T! AND YOU WONT LIKE HER!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You're an evil! evil! women you do know that right!

YEP! AND I LOVE IT! OH AND YES dreamcaster555 YOU CAN USE MY STORY IN YPOUR STORY, I LOOK FORD TO READING IT! I LOVE YOUR IDEA ALREADY! GO FOR IT YOU GOT THE TALLENT!

AND THAT ALSO GOES FOR MY OTHER READERS! I'VE READ SOME OF YOUR STUFF, DON'T WASTE YOUR TALLENT! UPDATE DAMN IT!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

HERES THE UPDATE!

Dear Journal

I have no dignity left they have stripped me of every last bit of it they have supper glued a **BLOND LONG HIARED WIG TO MY HEAD!**

As payback, **AND DON'T YOU DEAR LAUGH AT ME JOURNAL! YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT REAL PAIN IS! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WANKER!**

Zim is still trying to take over the world and every time he try's to do so I beat him with things like take to day as an example so far I have used a crate that I found behind the mess hall, my trusty base ball bat, my foot, a hot fry pan and also one of the fold out tables and it only lunch time haha hahahahahahahaha.

Jake the joke has now burned in total six things that all belong to me he has burned my favorite trench coat (now that did not go unpunished I kicked the crap out of him and left him to die…did he die…no he did not…was he in pain…yes he was)

He burned my breakfast, he burned down my tent, he burned my sleeping bag…while I was still in it … now that got him a beating from my secret base ball bat hahahahaha haha, he burned my JTHM comics and he burned my home made knife… so I stole Sara's incense and stabbed him nine times…**ASSHOLE**! who does he think he is.

Anyway… am now shearing a tent with Sara the whore she's the one that supper glued the wig to my head all because I accidentally walked in on her getting changed the whore did this and beat the shit out of me I mean so I stared a bit but she had a nice body all I really can say is damn…I mean… **SHIT!** Ok, ok so I think she's hot I can admit it she is.

Anyway not much else happened… write more later, were going for a walk right now, night journal.

**LATER!**


	30. I AM FREE!

_JULIA SMELLS_

Dear Journal

Yes! I have done it. I have escaped Brat camp. It took great cunning on my part, but luckily I'm like this really cool elf-dude so I can sneak easily and forests are my friend. Go me.

They didn't even see me go… OK well I heard Sara make a muttered comment like 'good riddance' but that cannot mean she saw me, or was even talking about me. So shame on your name.

Everyone hates me well THEY'LL BE SORRY. When they find my dead body and are like, poor guy, he was so deep, he was far too good for us. Then they will realise what the world is missing! They will know the genius they have missed out on!

Man I wish I had brought some food with me. Just couldn't be bothered to steal some, which I EASILY COULD HAVE DONE, I JUST COULD NOT BE BOTHERED, OK? Jeez what the fuck is it with you people? Can't you handle this jandle? Obviously not.

OK, the thing is diar- FUCK I mean Journal, haha just seeing if you'd notice, is that they only have like meat and chicken and more meat and sausage and stuff. And I can't be bothered, I mean why when I have my own blood to feast on? And cooking is for old people.

And I kinda feel sorry for all the poor little animals who were murdered for us to eat. I identify with them. I'm kind of cute and helpless myself. Yeah that's me, poor cute little innocent helpless Legolas who everyone just wants to DESTROY.

WELL I'LL SHOW THEM. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL. THEY SAID I WAS MAD, THEY SAID I'D NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THEY SAID I NEEDED…. COUNSELLING! BUT I HAVE GROUPIES! GROUPIES! TAKE THAT! I SHOWED THEM ALL.

Fuck you all. Why don't I have any friends? I'm really cool. It's not as if I ever actually (succeeded in) killing anyone (yet). So why don't they invite me to their parties? Is it because of the candles? Or the vicious attempted murder of my classmates? Is there something wrong with me? I'm sure I'm cool, I'm sure I don't have BO. Maybe they're jealous. I should hide my brilliance.

They're afraid. That's what it is. Afraid cos I challenge them. I am free! They are afraid of my freeness! Oh my god, Marilyn Manson is like so cool. But I swear he copied my wardrobe. I mean black? Black is so me. Everyone knows that. Maybe Marilyn Manson is stalking me and filming my every move! That is how he knew what I was wearing and copied me, even though I've never met him and he lives in another country. OH MY GOD! I'M BEING STALKED BY MARILYN MANSON!

OK, all this random shit is because I'm trying to take my mind off the fact I'm well lost. I hate to admit it, I mean I'm supposed to be an elf. I'll never live this down. This should be easy. I should be flitting silently like a well-dressed shadow from tree to tree! I should be communing with the trees! Oh god I sound like Sara the hippy. But this is my birthright. Elves don't get lost. DAMMIT maybe I was adopted. Which means… my ears are fake? I'm so confused. No-one understands. Aragorn's problems are NOTHING in comparison. Just because he thought he was immortal until his fourteenth birthday when Mr Elrond very kindly broke it to him that the reason he smelt, had pimples and sunk in snow is because he's a human (ha shame I'd hate to be human). He thinks it was traumatic to suddenly realise he was gonna die. Anyway, I very kindly remind him all the time about his spots and impending death and old age to make him feel better. Its fun to say: is that a wrinkle? I'm sure I'm helping him.

Ooh, I feel a bit funny after that mushroom. But I've been away from camp like a whole hour so I had to eat! Make use of the land.

The trees are moving. Why won't they talk to me? Ooh they're singing.

Shit its dark. I must be miles from everywhere. Right out in the wilderness where they will never find me, not even my body, which ants will eat (I hope they die from it.) Oh my god something just made a noise. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna get eaten by a lost wolf.

So the thing is Journal, is Bridget Jones real? If so, why won't she write back to me?

Its getting darker. I don't deserve this, I'm a good person really its just CIRCUMSTANCE and temptation of picking on smaller people (Hobbits are really just begging you to bully them. How could I disappoint someone who WANTS to be beaten up?)

Still can get in touch with my elvish destiny. Breathe as one with the forest and all that jazz. But trees are so boring. OK, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean it. Wait, I'm not scared of a tree! I'll fucking show it. Serves it right for being so…so….so…wooden.

Ouch. OK learning curve, don't punch fucking ugly fucking wooden trees unless you want to break your FUCKING HAND. I will never learn to play electric guitar now, even if I could afford one.

I'm so lost. I'll never be found… dammit. But it's worth it. Brat camp sucked arse. Look at all the trees… bloody rude trees ignoring me and being boring.

Its been nearly an hour and a half. Whizzy head effects from my mushroom. I'm growing weak…. From hunger… must not give up. Must be strong.

OK, am giving up as no one to talk to and its just boring. Also raining. On good side glue has dissolved so am no longer BLONDE thank you thank you, friendly cloud. Instead, look like Natalie Portman from V for Vendetta except of course infinitely more masculine.

Perhaps I can eat this wig. LATERS


	31. RESCUE!

HEY PEOPLE, BE NICE TO LEGOLAS, HE'S A BIT SAD. NO DOUBT THE ANGER AND SCREAMING REVENGE WILL SOON KICK IN, BUT FOR NOW, BE NICE…

Dear Journal,

_Have not been rescued_

God this is embarrassing. I mean, I was all prepared just to DIE, cos I'm lost (which wasn't my fault) and it probably would have been the best thing all round, everybody I've ever met HATES me and I don't know why (maybe they all have a personality problem?) and I'm like, more depressed than anybody else. (Its so sad, no-one understands me, they think they feel pain but DO THEY HAVE PAIN?

No. they do not have pain.

Only physical pain. Sometimes. But that just makes me laugh.)

So here am I, starving to death, soon I will look like even more of a weed. I mean, how can you look threatening if you're skinny? I already need shoulder pads in my trench coat, damn it, SOON I WILL NOT FIT INTO MY TRENCH COAT.

I ask you.

I hate them. I don't want to be found. I'd much rather die. (Actually I'd much rather get myself all un-lost, and saunter into town all cool and get some vegetarian sushi)

THEY WILL DIE! And they deserve it for not understanding I have a terrible, festering, emotional wound. Am having flash backs to entertain myself, to a certain incident of psychological trauma that cauterised my happiness (just one of many.)

So, I lost my teddy, right, and I didn't really care about it anyway, its not like I care about my stupid teddy (Full Moon) but mum was like, aw… don't worry baby, we will find your teddy. So I was like I DON'T WANT THE FUCKING TEDDY! GOD MOTHER (I think mother sounds so much more adult) I AM TOO OLD FOR TEDDIES, I AM NOT A BABY!

And she said: Don't worry baby, here it is.

And I was all like: he's not an IT his name is Full Moon and be careful of his ear.

And she goes: Ok honey, here's your Full Moon

And I was like: GOD woman, I don't WANT THE STUPID BEAR! GET RID OF IT!

And she's like: I know you love your teddy

So of course I had to prove it and chop poor Full Moon's ear off. I'm SORRY. It wasn't my fault. Was going to cut him all into bits but I couldn't, I just couldn't. Full Moon was the only one I could talk to and now he can't hear as well. Serves me right. How could I do that? I hate myself.

God am too depressed to write.

Oh look, a butterfly. A red one. This is shameful, even the bastard who stole my name and identity in that flipping movie, the cross-dressing wussy _blonde_ one (ew, yuk, bleugh) wouldn't get lost like me. WELL FUCK HIM. Actually he looks like he'd probably enjoy that.

He probably doesn't appreciate butterflies though. The thing is, they'd probably rescue _him. _Not that he'd need it. Not the butterflies I mean. I mean, not that he wouldn't need butterflies, although he probably doesn't. I mean he'd be rescued by his friends, not rescued by butterflies. That's just stupid, who is rescued by butterflies?

How could butterflies rescue someone? Hey, maybe that butterfly is trying to rescue me, or send me a message… I will be the first elf to communicate with butterflies.

Where'd it go? Oh well. The point is even movie-Legolas has friends. (and book-Legolas, some crappy person wrote rip off novels based on the films. THREE OF THEM"! The cheek of it. He must have written them fast too; the movies haven't been out long. But at least in the rip-off books he's not BLONDE. The commercialism of this Tolkien guy disgusts me.)

But why does he have friends? I don't have friends, and I am infinitely cooler.

Shit, what's that? Oh my god it's someone. Maybe Marilyn Manson freaky stalker man…

_Later…_

Oh my GOD journal you will never believe this it was Kali (ah sweet name) and Aragorn (how come he didn't get lost?) they have come to rescue me! I'm writing this at Aragorn's house (in the spare room, thank god there's a lock on the door, I DON'T TRUST ANYONE AND HUMANS ARE GAY) because if I go home I'll get sent back to brat-Camp. Just gonna finish this then going to fall into exhausted coma til breakfast, feel slightly strange from mushroom… I mean sedation… and hunger

Incredible. I have friends… anyway, I was a bit zoned out by the time they found me, so I stood up and was sort of swaying slightly, and there are these two figures, behind a bush and I called out something helpful, I seem to recall it was along the lines of

MARILYN YOU FUCKER! MARILYN…. AT LAST, WE MEET, MY NEMESIS…

And the two figures spring apart, they kinda had to untangle themselves a bit, and they turn around. It takes me a while to register its Aragorn (the fool human had to do up his fly, funny that he hadn't noticed before, and had all these lipstick stains from somewhere. Fool human.) He shouts, 'Oh shit! It's Legolas! Kali, do your top up!'

So I'm like I HATE YOU FOR YOUR FACE!

And they're like, panicking, and I'm like IDEA they have come to rescue me! So I shout KALI HAS COME TO RESCUE ME!

And Kali says. Yes, yes… that is what we're doing…we were looking for you, yes, rescue! (Then she kicked Aragorn with her elbow, probably because she hates him, and he was like, yes, yes! Rescuing you! And whispered to Kali: from what? He will never fall for this.)

Kali cares about me! She was really upset and crying and stuff, like chicks that are in love with hot elves like me do, and Aragorn had to comfort her, even though he didn't want to like hug her or anything as he is not attracted to kali in any way, only Arwen. But it's nice he was looking after her when she was sad, even though I'm kinda glad she was because it shows how much she loves me!

And then I was a bit embarrassed and stuff, because I'd been lost and that made me look stupid (I HATE looking stupid. I will never let myself look stupid in front of kali, NEVER) but it was OK cos they thought I was all skinny and stuff cos Brat Camp starved me and all weird cos they'd sedated me or something. Kali said 'maybe they've sedated him or something, he can get a bit violent', and Aragorn was like 'Thank god for that, maybe he won't work it out'

Which would have offended me (a bit violent? No I'm not. Huh, people forget elves have super-hearing) but I was just relieved I didn't look stupid, and I could be the victim.

So I was really pleased to see them. I kissed Kali, except I kind of missed (the drugs! the drugs!) and ended up with my tongue in Aragorn's mouth shudder as you can imagine, I am totally traumatised but luckily for me, my brain has already blacked out most of the horror (thank god for self-protective amnesia). Otherwise would have to kill myself. Just when life is good again… (Wait, what do I mean 'again'?) So all I remember is that he tasted faintly of Kali. (Horrible thought… what if I'm gay? I like how Kali tastes… so if I think Aragorn tastes like her then… ew…. Ew… wouldn't mind being gay but would so mind having to make out with Aragorn… Nah. Must have been the drugs.)

Anyway I'm pretty flaked out right now, I was babbling and stuff when they got me out of the forest- turns out I was just a few meters away from SCHOOL, behind the bike sheds. (So if I'd gone a few meters to the left I'd have ended up back at school! Thank god I didn't- imagine being hopelessly lost miles from civilisation at school. There could be nothing worse.) And I'm still not really clear what happened. Just ate three packs of vege sushi so I'm worried this is a fantasy dream sequence… Aragorn brought them for me even though I said I hate his face (cruelly reminding him he is doomed forever to be unpopular with chicks, as he is mortal, ugly, and smells.) He seems to be feeling a bit guilty about something, possibly not rescuing me fast enough?

A strange day. Aargh the room's spinning. Feel dizzy and spaced out. Wannasleep..read events over later, think about then… toosleepy and confused.haha wanna bed wanna teddy pillow is good but feel like something wrong…?

The next day:

Dear Journal,

Oh god, oh no. oh fuck, oh fuck. Please no. No way. Oh my fucking god….

Why am I so stupid? I'm really, really in pain now. I can't stand this; I can't look either one of them in the face. And just when I was happy. It hurts too much. I've got to something. I'm going to kill myself _now_. A razor… oh thank god. I can die now; I don't want to live in a world where my beloved Kali goes behind my back with Aragorn…


	32. ARWEN DOES IT FOR FREE! Whatever 'it' is

_Hey guys, this is Emily, Julia's friend who you will see mentioned in chapter 1. Some of the early ones were mine, anyway **JULIA THE SLACKER** has 'writer's block' so the last 3 chapters have been my effort, so sorry for the crapper chapters but better spelling. _

_Legolas hates me because I put him through torture_ **YO' DAMN RIGHT. **_Shut up. You deserve no less. Now come out from under the table and spill your secrets to the nice people._

NO, stop raping my soul, I feel like Kurt Cobain.

_In your dreams. We know you love to be the centre of attention, get on with it or you're going in the naughty corner (a very useful invention, thanks Julia)_

FINE. It can't really get much worse. **FUCK YOU.**

Dear journal.

No, it's no good. I'm too depressed to write.

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Well honestly, can you **BLAME ME? **That … that bitch-slut, forcing himself on my Kali like that. She must be under a spell. No-one would kiss that pimply mug by choice.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK ! 

I mean, ew…. Kissing a mortal? A _mortal_! **YUK!** He could have **DIED** while she was kissing him. Dead tongues ! dead tongues! Ok well I know she's mortal too, but that's different because she's hot.

**FUCK!**

OK maybe I do need to write. I have too much pain for one body to handle.

Journal, do you think maybe I need to work out? I mean, you can tell me honestly. We trust each other, right? It's just Aragorn's kind of…. Butch. I need to know the truth. Please.

Well **FUCK** YOU JOURNAL. Who asked your opinion?

I think Kali should **DIE**. She always hated me because I was too different.

**I WAS TOO GOOD FOR HER!**

I was always loyal to her, never did I treat that slut the way she treated me. I **NEVER** even **THOUGHT **about kissing **A**ragorn except in a disgusted kind of way.

God, its disgusting the way I let that slut fling herself all over me and **BEG **me to even look at her. She used to follow me around even though I couldn't stand the sight of her. Hot? Kali? Ha ha ha ha . Don't make me laugh, bitterly, into my cornflakes.

I NEVER, EVER LOVED HER! Arwen was saying that Kali has split ends. That figures. She probably caught them off of Aragorn. Kali's not even a great kisser, compared to Arwen she's not nearly as creative with her tongue. 

Ew, yuk. I can't believe I ever let her near me. Yuk yuk yuk. Its just cos I felt sorry for her. Soft heart, that's my trouble. Soft-hearted little Legolas, everyone uses him cos they know he's too nice to stick up for himself. Its not like I even needed her for anything, Arwen does free services round behind the bike sheds, in cars, pretty much anywhere really. I mean she's not choosy, she's cheap- but she gets the job done if you know what I mean. And she's _experienced_.

Aragorn is so dumb, if he doesn't notice he doesn't deserve respect. EVERONE goes to Arwen, you hear me you mortal? EVERYONE!

But oh no, not Kali. Little miss 'I'm not that kind of girl'. 'We have something special'. And towards the end of the relationship, **'FOR GOD"S SAKE LEGOLAS! DO YOU EVER THINK OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN SEX? GO TO A FUCKING PROSTITUTE IF YOU'RE SO DESERATE YOU PATHETIC LOSER!' **

Arwen is _not_ a prostitute! She doesn't charge. I don't need to pay for it, **YOU HEAR ME KALI? I GET IT FOR FREE!** I just don't know what 'it' is, **BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I GET IT FOR FREE! FREE! YOU'D NEVER CATCH ME PAYING FOR IT (whatever it is)!**

Maybe it was that kind of attitude that made Kali dump me three months ago. Nar…… she just realized I hated her guts and wanted her to leave me in peace!

Yeah, and journal, do think it's reasonable to feel so angry about this, this –**BETRAYAL- **if we haven't evn being going out since three months ago. I mean, Kali can't be over me, can she? She was going to crawl back to me any day now, begging forgiveness… and then, I'd… think about it.

God I miss her so much.

What's that, journal? You're right. I should get…. **REVENGE!**

**MWAHAHHA! MWAHA oh god my life is over without you Kali my soul mate I love you so much it hurts to be with you because it throws back in my face that I could never, never be worthy of you. **

**NAR – WHATEVER! **I used to say stuff like that and then Kali would be all like 'ohmigod lol ur so **CUTE**!' (yeah she always spoke like that, what a loser, and she used to say **LOL** instead of laughing) then I'd be like, nah, **GAY!**

And hey journal, did you know that **KALI** is **PREGNANT?** With Gandalf's child. Ok it's a rumour but I'm almost certain it's based on fact, and so will the kids at school when I tell them so tomorrow. Nah I think its **ARAGORNS** yuk **MORTAL BABIES yuk BABIES WITH STUBBLE. TWINS. TRIPLETS!**

**FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

I'm sure there must be someone else, somewhere, that thinks I'm hot…. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just unloveable. Is there something **WRONG** with me?

Nar. But there will be something wrong with **ARAGORN** before I'm through with him. Ooh sweets. Yum.

I had a girlfriend once. She died. Her name was Emma. So excuse me if I'm a little…out of sorts sometimes. And extra sensitive about Kali.

OK that's not true, its something I made up. Kind of based on the first girlfriend I had, no the second one? Maybe the third. Anyway, we went out for five and a half months then she got her friend to tell me she was dead.

No idea why… I'm a reasonable guy, I can live with rejection.

Aragorn's really immature too. The amount of importance he places on his pet goldfish is **TOTALLY OUT OF PROPORTION! **I told him so and he was all like, well at least my goldfish is alive!

**HALF MOON _IS_ ALIVE!**

And then Mr Elrond was all like, Be nice to Aragorn. He's an orphan. **FUCK THAT SHIT! I'M AN ORPHAN WITH PARENTS!** THERE"S ABSOLUTRELY NO DIFFERENCE IN OUR CIRCUMSTANCES AS FAR AS I CAN SEE.

Anyway that baby is gonna get what's coming to him. Ah gotta love emo bands. Go my chemical romance! Go! Far away from here, preferably…

Hey maybe I could kill Aragorn and blame his mortality, I mean for all anyone knows it could be old age. I could tell everyone he died of natural causes. Hmmm, its pretty natural to die of repeated stab wounds…. Nah I'm not stupid.

Mwahaha now I have an evil plan involving the goldfish. STAY TUNED

See ya journal, I may not die happy but at least I can die gloating.


	33. I BELIEVE IN SPAGHETTI!

Dear journal,

Ok this is **SO** **NOT WHAT I WANT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW**. No offence, I don't mean writing to you (my only friend), it's just that you've caught me at rather an inconvenient time. I have better things to do; I have… wait for it… yes, decided to become a **poet**!

It makes sense. In fact I rather feel it is my destiny. I mean, honestly journal, you realise my heart is ripped, no in fact ruptured right now. I'm **heartbroken**. Well, everyone knows that, (I've been spreading the news in a bad way) but only you (and I, and Half Moon) know the full extent of my misery. My **PAIN**. My anguish. See, I know loads of words, cos I'm poetic. And I hurt more than other people.

OK, so I'm really **SUFFERING** right now, naturally, as one who has had an ungrateful whore fall madly in love with him and then, apparently, Moving on (how dare she Move On? I am the only one allowed to **Move On**.)

**LEGOLAS' RULES FOR MOVING ON:  
** The other partner is only allowed to Move On after:

my pride has been sufficiently bolstered,

enough people have seen how attractive I obviously must be (seeing as people can't Move On from me)

the other person's failure to Move On-ness has become an embarrassment

the attentions of the other person are no longer needed as have been replaced and

a minimum of four months has passed.

Also, what about that **nasty smelly little creep** Aragorn? OK so he's bigger than me but not so it counts. Or where it counts. OK, well I wouldn't wanna face him in a fight, but that is why I must get my revenge in other ways.

I can't believe it! How could he do this to **ME?** Me, who leant him **money** and reminded him when it was Arwen's birthday and never drowned him in the sink too long? **THE FUCKER**. God, its lucky I'm so restrained, or else I really would stick incense sticks up his hairy nose. Lit ones. Ginger flavoured. Sharpened.

Shame, I will be complaining about this for years. What to do… hmmm, I could get **CHUCK NORRIS** to roundhouse kick him in the face? No, I have a better plan…

Now is the time for an evil laugh.

Mwahahahaha.

Anyway, Aragorn was my only… breathing… friend. It's not that I'm really unpopular, just that he was really popular and everyone liked him and he had a hot girlfriend and wa nice to me, and totally jealous of me, so I very generously let him ang out with me for a while. Even though I hated him.

No, actually, there's the thing. I didn't hate him, though sometimes people confuse 'hatred' with 'setting people on fire' It was his damn Destiny, making everyone love him with his arousing speeches. I mean, arousing in the sense of inspirational. Like when we went on strike and occupied the canteen for better hotdogs, and more vegetarian burgers (well mostly people were just campaigning for the hotdogs) and the principal was outside with a loudspeaker, calling out dire threats such as 'I'LL CALL YOUR MOTHERS!' and 'DETENTION!' and Aragorn was all like; 'one day, my friends, they will break this strike and make us write letters of apology to the teachers hit by ketchup missiles, but it is NOT THIS DAY! One day, all hope will fail and the fifth form will fail, but it is NOT THIS DAY! THIS DAY WE STRIKE!' and we were all so inspired that we kept the occupation going for forty-two hours, even though we were down to the last cold pies and half of us got food poisoning from lukewarm reheated chicken, (not me, go being a vegetarian) because they'd turn the power off. And Aragorn was _still_ made a prefect because of his arousing (there I go again, oops) defence of Justice and Humanity. (Although I personally wouldn't have chosen the word 'humanity' thus alienating seventy percent of the school, as only fifty percent is actually human).

It's because people feel sorry for him and he's a jock. Thinks that gives him a right to kiss other people's ex-girlfriends. Thinks he can CRUSH and DESTROY other people's souls and hopes.

Well he's in for a surprise.

Yeah, and the other crappy thing is it was my sister's birthday on Wednesday and I have to get her a present. Meh, she doesn't need a present, she is rich working as a tattoo artist and bassist in a punk-metal indie band. Huh. The only genre worth listening to is Nirvana and Weepy Emo, which fully understands my pain. And I kind of like Shakira.

OK so I thought I'd get her this really cool hoody, only I accidentally bought a size more fitting of me. Oops. I cannot let the hoody go to waste. I mean it's black, but my sister isn't the only person who wears only black! And anyway I'm sure her latest boyfriend will get her whatever she wants. Bleurgh. How come her problems seem never to involve ex-boyfriends? Man, any man cheating on _her _would be scraping his assoff the pavement at the bottom of the nearest high rise building.

Or be found somewhere in an alley, bloodless. Like, literally bloodless. Man I wish I was a vampire.

Oh my god, the Godfather is so awesome; it kind of reminds me of me. I think that's how I talk: 'I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.' The movie's fairly good too, although a bit long. I wonder if anyone else has heard of it? nah. I'm the only half-way cultured person in this town.

Anyway, yeah I think I should go hang out with the local 'mob' and we could, like 'case' the 'joint', and stuff. I'm so gangster. And like have henchmen in like alleyways say 'Mr Legolas is very upset' and then shoot people's heads off. Awesome. In suits. And card playing and stuff. I'd be such a pro. I could offer them guidance and leadership. Aragorn could get 'wiped' for unpaid debts. 'Come back to my place for a diet yoghurt'. Yeah. Horseracing. Respect, guns and cool dark clothing; I was born for this life. I will be one of the 'family'. I willa retire anda writa poem abouta mi experieosa. Pasta sauce, justa lika the olives that mama useda maka. Real pasta fresha from the garden.

Actually around here we have the yakuza, not the mafia. But Italian accents get the chicks. And also I wanta losa no finger. I believe in spaghetti. Yeah.

Later, mi amigo. Seeya aroundinio.


	34. FISH FANCIER'S MONTHLY

_ warning, sensitive and kind people do not read. Legolas is such a bastard, he's been really nasty so don't read it if you're easily upset._

_THE PEOPLE HATE YOU LEGOLAS!_

_**No, no they love me actually. And they will love what I do to the fish. **_

_YOU'RE SICK._

_**No, I am NORMAL! I DID WHAT ANYONE WOULD HAVE DONE!**_

_Well I warn you people- he's one sick bastard._

_**Just let me get on with the story…. I want to tell them!**_

_Fine, fine. But don't expect any praise. I want everyone to tell him how evil he is, OK?_

Dear journal,

Mwahahah the yakuza are so much fun. I'm like so into their like secret like organisation. Soon they'll trust me with like important missions like jointing the case. Yeah.

Ok at the moment I'm sort of entry-level. I have a nickname though; 'Mister Loserkid.'

Ok, well I added the Mister but only cos they haven't got round to it yet. I think it's a sure sign of respect- you should hear them when I turn up. 'oh bloody hell, guys, its that loser elf kid' . I mean, I've obviously got what it takes.

So then, with all this top training I was getting, I decided to put my plan into action. I knew I had the full backing of my 'family' on this.

I'm still at Aragorn's, right, cos I can't go home for fear of Brat Camp, and he's being like**_ soooooo_** fucking nice to me in the hope I'll forgive him. Not because he's sorry, just selfishly, because of his stupid guilt. Which he fully deserves, and to put my plan into action I had to talk to him. He was so happy, he thought I'd forgiven him: he was like 'I'm so glad you and I have overcome our differences, old friend, so that we can move on into the future', I mean **GAY**. What a dick. I am not his friend. I am his enemy and I am getting it from his girl friend, because I am far better looking than him and she** _loves_** me.

Whatever _it_ is.

So yeah I was pretending to be all interested in his stupid goldfish. Ew If I had a goldfish, I'd feed it to my cat. (if I had a cat…) cats are so much cooler. And he was all happy and pleased that I was sharing his hobby, cos Aragorn is into tropical fish in a big way.

He was like, 'That's my favourite, she's a _randomus latinamus' _(or something) 'Her name is Mabel, and she won the All- high schools National Tropical Fish Appreciation Medal for Most Fabulous Tail Fins! Amazed aren't you? Yes, I could tell from the look on your face. I know you thought she was just a goldfish! But notice the subtle fading from orange to pale yellow, and the fact her frontal fins are at a slight forty degree angle to the body? When you notice these signs it is easy to recognise that Mabel is a _randomnus latinamus_! And of course, I myself am certain she is more intelligent than mere goldfish or _flushedus toiletus_, a theory which the F_ish Fanciers Monthly _and W_hich Goldfish Bowl Decoration? _supported in their March issues two years ago.'

I was like: 'um…. That's just lovely for you. Mabel, is it? How nice' (mwahahah - notice my cunning in making him think that I loved his fish?) and after that he just wouldn't shut up. Fuck, what a geek. **WHY **does he have **MORE FRIENDS** than **ME?**

He's into fish. I mean, **WHY? **

Then I had to listen, so as not to blow my cover, to this fucking girlfriend stealing **MANIAC** rave on and on about his **PET FISH!**

'See that one there? That's a findingi nemoness! Notice the way it swims? Do stop me if I'm boring you, but I'm sure you'll find this quite _fascinating…'_He really thought I was interested. He was so excited. He was becoming more and more annoying. It made doing what I had to do easier.

I know Aragorn does his homework after he's done the dishes, then he goes to bed early with a mug of cocoa. (And he has penguin pyjamas!)

So at about eight thirty, I knew it was the right time to act. So I snuck (I love the word snuck) over to the Tropical Fish Tank (I'm not allowed to call it a Goldfish Bowl, cos they're more special then goldfish apparently) and I reached inside, and scooped out Mabel with Aragorn's cocoa mug…

I am such a genius, it was so good….

Anyway, a little while later good little Aragorn's like, goodnight step-mummy, goodnight, step-daddy Mr Elrond Sir, goodnight, Leggy (see he deserves this just for calling me that) and toddles off to bed.

A minute later, there's this **SCREAM**…and Aragorn comes running up the stairs looking absolutely distraught, heheheh, and Mr Elrond's like, 'goodness me, anyone would think there is a dead body in his room!' (hahahaha)

And I said: 'aren't humans emotional.'

Anyway, they were all very concerned and 'what's the matter dear?' and Aragorn could barely get the words out. He was most upset.

'I just got into bed…and… and… there was this_… slimey_ thing…' (_sob, choke_) 'and… and I pulled off the covers… and it…. _(wails_) it was **MABEL!**' (_descends into huge sobs_)

Mr and Mrs Arwen's Parents: _(I can't remember her name_) 'Oh how terrible, awful hug-hug there-there pat-pat, etc…

Me: _laughing hysterically_. _Me and Aragorn are making similar noises, which is quite funny. I laugh harder._ This sets Aragorn off again; 'but WHY is leggy laughing? He _likes… (sob_) Mabel….'

Me: 'I'm (_gasp for breath)_ 'I'm sorry… it was something on the telly…'

Mr Elrond _shoots me a really nasty look._

Me: 'I sometimes laugh when I'm overcome with deep grief, really'

Aragorn: 'I just introduced them…. I explained about her tail fin award… oh god, her _fins_….'

Mr Elrond; _(nasty suspicious look at me, I'm not liking this because I can't think who to blame it on) _

Aragorn: 'how could it possibly have happened?'

Mr Elrond: I don't know. **How**, Legolas?

Me: um, you could get a new fish!

Aragorn: **NOOOO**! You don't understand………….. Mabel was special… she was **_more than a fish!_**

Well, so was Kali.

Aragorn: she was my _best friend. _ Unfortunately at that moment Arwen walks in, and she's like: well what am I, then?

Aragorn: oh, god, Arwen, **_MABEL IS DEAD!_**

Arwen isn't pleased, which I actually half expected her to be. You can see that she's all sympathetic but she just goes: _I'm_ not your best friend?

Parents: now, now, dear….

Aragorn: of _course_ you are, you _know_ that, I'm sorry; I'm just a bit upset. I would never do _anything _to hurt you

It was the perfect moment to go: yeah, you only give Kali tongue massage cos Arwen likes to watch… but talk about kicking a man when he's down.

Anyway, lots more tears, then Arwen goes off to 'comfort' Aragorn. (obviously couldn't get any tonight) and Mr Elrond says: Legolas, I know your home life is a little 'difficult' right now but perhaps you should think about returning home to your mother who loves you very much, like tomorrow.

Arwen 's mum: **YOU LITTLE BASTARD YOU KILLED ARAGORN'S PET FISH! **That woman never liked me much

Elrond: now, while we don't have proof, it seems a little unlikely that Mabel got there by itself-

Me: -actually she's a _randomness latinamus_ and they're very intelligent-

Arwen's mum: **GET OUT BEFORE I TAN YOUR ASS WITH A BROOMSTICK!**

But the thing is journal, I like living at Aragorn's house because the food is good and nobody thumps me. So I burst into tears: I'm like your SON! You can't kick me out, I'll DIE! Please, don't reject your darling son!  
Mr Elrond: you're not our son, Legolas, and you've only been here a week. And we didn't invite you.

Me: that's racism! Just because I'm an elf! Aragorn's not your real son either- but you **LOVE** him!

Mr Elrond: now, now Legolas do calm down.

Me: **WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO? _NOBODY_** loves me. **NOBODY. **HE gets all the luck.

Them: say nothing

Me: **ANYWAY I DIDN'T KILL HIS STUPID FISH! WHY WOULD I DO THAT? I LIKE MABEL! I _LOVE _MABEL! I'M A VEGATARIAN! I LOVE ARAGORN TOO!**

Them: well, it's clear you are extremely jealous-

Me: **ONLY COS HE GETS TO LIVE HERE AND HAVE NICE PARENTS!** Why would I jeopardise that? At home they starve me, they beat me! They kill my teddy!

Them: Aragorn is a poor little orphan, how can you treat him like this after all he's done for you?

Me: OK, I will not lie anymore. I was trying to protect you from the truth. It was… it was…. Arwen! Yeah, didn't expect _that_, did you?  
Arwen's mum: **BULLSHIT, YOU HORRIBLE MURDERING CREEP!**

Me: no, it's true! It was her. She was sad cos Aragorn was kissing my k- someone else! Ha, I bet you won't kick _her_ out of home to get sent to brat camp and starved!

While they look shocked, I added: anyway, I didn't realise it would die when i took it out of the water.

Well, journal, Arwen's mother has a mean backhand, and it's lucky I was fast out of the door or I'd have two black eyes and my nose would _still be fucking bleeding. _

How many times do I have to tell the world I only appreciate _self-inflicted_ pain? But it was so worth it. I've almost never laughed so hard. Sunshine, lollipops… hah, bet the Godfathers of this town will start _stealing _my ideas. Just like Marilyn Manson steals my ideas. Soon, everyone will have goldfish in their beds when they mess with me.

See ya, journal. I have to go relive the moment…


	35. NOT BLONDE! Get it?

_Sorry he's in a horrible mood and being quite awful_

Dear journal.

No, I am sorry; I refuse to talk to anyone until I get some more reviews. I only agreed for my journals to be online to feed my vanity. And enough with the laughing! This is not funny. It is serious! How would you lot like to be as misunderstood as me? How would you like to be in this much emotional pain? Feel sorry for me! Or I won't write. Every time someone thinks this is a funny fanfic I cry deep inside. You laugh at my pain.

**MORE REVIEWS!**

This journal, this great work, is even filed under humour! **WHY?** It is emotional drama tragedy, you fools!

_Hey if you're that ungrateful we can either delete you or turn you **BLONDE**_

OK whatever, like you'd dare turn me blonde. **I AM NOT BLONDE!**

**I AM NOT FUCKING BLONDE!**

Get it? GET IT? I HAVE NEVER BEEN BLONDE! grr oh my god my private fan club (yeah I didn't know I had one but actually I do, very loyal, although they seem to get a lot of the details wrong) write these stories about me! it's so pathetic, I mean they make these sad things up like 'Legolasloverfanprincesselfgirl99' and her story about 'How Legolas falls in love with a thinly-veiled version of me!' and 'how I want to be an elf cos I'm sad and pathetic and I think elves are pretty so I have inflicted upon the world a written account of my escapist sicko fantasy!'

OK, slightly flattered…. I wonder if 'Legolasloverfanprincesselfgirl99' is Kali's username… I bet it IS.

Yeah, oh my god, like anyone would wanna read stories about other people's problems. The world is interested in only one thing- MY problems. MINE MINE MINE

Jeez. It's even sadder when people write about pathetic world they make up, this one person wrote about 'Middle Earth' (original name, huh?) and stuck me in this stupid story that I couldn't read 'cos it had too many long words, but jeez, I mean, JEEZ, it had my FUCKING name in it. AND I WAS BLONDE! I AM NOT BLONDE!

Plus they had other people too that I know, like Aragorn WANKER THAT HE IS but I do not find this strange 'cos I know the whole world revolves around me, and this is merely proof.

BUT I'M NOT BLONDE! Tolkein, (the pen-name of some member of this site? I think) agrees. And he like writes about me with the biggest words. So he should know. I am not blonde not blonde not blooooonde

Journal, I am in too much pain to write. Now there are those who may think I'm just avoiding _a subject_, but I'm not. And I'm not going to say what happened. No. No I'm not. Well not yet,

It is potentially humiliating. I must wait til I find a way of twisting it to make myself either the victim or the hero.

LATER

Legolas (the BRUNETTE, OK? but the male version. anyway, I AM NOT BLONDE)


	36. PRISON!

**An experiment- I have tried to cut out all of his swear words! Hope it still makes sense. He tends to stretch a word's use to cover nouns, verbs, adjectives… **

_yeah you –ing murderer of –ing free –ing speech!_

Dear journal,

**! I'm in prison again! **I'll tell you the story.

Ok if you hadn't figured it out by now, I confess it was me that killed Mabel. I know you agree that Aragorn absolutely deserved it. I suppose Mabel did too, for associating with LOSERS such as Aragorn. Even so, I feel slightly bad about it. I mean, I'm not dumb, so how did I forget that fish can't breathe air like I can?

I guess I was just upset at the time. The problem is nobody's ever going to believe me when I tell them I didn't actually _mean_ to kill the bloody fish. That's cos nobody trusts me even though I'm cuddly and loveable and honest. I mean, it would have been cool to chop its head off but that's kind of disgusting. I mean, I'm not some kind of sicko. So I thought it would be kind of funny for it to be all flapping around and swim under his pillow, but apparently it was all limp and clammy and dead. I mean she.

The funeral was yesterday. I had to attend. I'm still living at Aragorn's house. it is getting difficult to pretend to be sympathetic and interested. I mean for 'S SAKE! HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE TO SPEND ON ONE BLOODY GOLDFISH! I don't _care _about its tail feathers or whatever, it looks like a goldfish to me. I'm here on sufferance; I have to be very good. No more loud Nirvana at three in the morning. I'm only here 'cos they think I'm troubled and Arwen's mother feels guilty for breaking my nose. I think the new shape is more manly. Anyway, I'm an elf, I'll heal.

The real shock was when I next saw Arwen alone and I was expecting her to be impressed with my fish trick. I mean, she's got a good sense of humour on her that girl (that's not the only good thing she's got on her) and I thought she'd be pleased that I'd, erm, _removed_ the only competition for Aragorn's devotion. But no. Oh no. it was all, 'how could you do that to_ poor_ Aragorn? You must be a _very_ disturbed young elf'. Voice sweet as saccharine and dripping with poison to choke me.

She's got her mother's evilness and temper, but she hides it well. 'You must feel _so_ brave and manly, taking on something _so_ _threatening_, I bet it made you feel so much better, doing so constructive.'

But sarcasm I can live with. I'm just glad she didn't hit me.

Her reaction was disappointing. We made out anyway. She can't resist my charm. That's how I know I really am attractive. Mostly its guy's twenty dollar notes that Arwen can't resist.

**I'M TURNING EIGHTEEN IN EXACTLY THREE MONTHS! **Or is it seventeen?

Anyway, me and Arwen weren't talking to each other (even though speech would have been impossible anyway) and later, over dinner, Aragorn goes, 'where did you get those bruises, Leggy?'

(_Leggy ._I ask you. He_ deserves_ all bad things

_Me_: oh, um…. school

Aragorn then said: really? That's strange. Arwen said you got them from mum, and to ask you why.

(Mum? Yuk, it's practically incest, except Aragorn is so cluelessly gentlemanlike)

Everyone's carefully not telling Aragorn who accidentally killed his fish. The theory is he trusts me and they don't want to disillusion the poor little orphan about life anymore. He's close to the edge. Whatever. I've survived more suicide attempts than school dinners (and the two are closely related). Aragorn's only problem is that he's not getting anyway. And seeing as he lives with Arwen 'two minutes' Evenstar, that really is a serious problem…. halitosis?

One thing lead to another. until, as you do, I found myself jumping on the table, one foot accidentally sending Arwen's mother's _horrible_ nut roast onto the floor (ew that's the only vegetarian meal she knows how to cook and it tastes of sawdust and it's impossible to wash up) throwing a fork at Aragorn, and screaming ARWEN DOES IT FOR FREE! (hoping he wouldn't ask me for details on _what_ she does for free, though I'm sure I'll work it out, given time), so he chucked his chair at me, _quite_ losing control (which it's easy to make humans do) and incidentally also shocking Arwen's parents considerably (Aragorn is only Head-Prefect-Tropical-Fish-Breeding-Orphan-boy to them, they haven't seen him take orcs apart (or play rugby against St Cuthbert's) or they'd be less surprised at his accuracy at throwing furniture.)

Then I remembered that bar fight we won with a table against three St Cuthbert's boys who were also underage in the Farmer's Arms one Saturday, and thought, I'd better not lose to a _mortal. _So in pure _self defence, _I retaliated by chucking a handful of nut roast at him. It hit him in the face, and he screamed 'my eyes… they're burning…' which was quite funny 'cos it was lukewarm, and Arwen's mum got insulted and started yelling at Aragorn instead of both of us. Elrond was going: 'now, please, you two, this is really disappointing behaviour…' so I started laughing and Aragorn _quite unfairly _punched me while I was distracted, god it hurt, right on the nose, which I can only assume broke again as its now back to it's original shape. So of course I hit him straight back, and then Arwen's mother grabbed me by the ear (fucking PAINFUL) and him by the hair, and had us both out on to the street. We kept going, but I can't remember the details.

The last bit I remember is that we got picked up by the police, for being drunk and disorderly, about three blocks away, half an hour or so later. I was almost glad to see them. I mean, I really wouldn't even wanna contemplate losing to a mortal, but he's so much tougher than I am.

They're like: 'Bloody hell, stupid teenagers. ALRIGHT YOU TWO! HOP IN! YOU'RE GOING DOWN TO THE STATION!'

_Me:_ again? (Aragorn is utterly horrified, oh what have I done, oh the shame on my adoptive parents who have been so good to me, etc etc, but at the time he was too drunk on fighting-ness to even stop hitting me).

Policeman 1: oh bloody hell it's that mad elf kid, remember to take his shoelaces.

other policeman: maybe he should go to hospital first, looks like he's got a broken nose.

Me; (a bit shrieky) WHAT? The hospital? But I'm too pretty to go to hospital!

They sniggered, and one of them was like, pretty? Son, you look like your face had a fight with a bulldozer and lost.

Me: RIGHT! AND THERE'S THE BULLDOZER! I remember thinking this was incredibly funny at the time. Aragorn took another swing at me, missed and fell over. They chucked him in the back of the police van. I stood there laughing hysterically, blood running down my face, then one of the policemen showed me a mirror and I fainted.

AND THE TWO FACTS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER!

Yours in high security, ok at least middling security,

Legolas (convicted criminal and fighter extraordinaire)

PS: oh god we are in the same cell. Cannot live with this, Aragorn is in depths of guilt. Banging head against the wall. Was all set to write on scraps of toilet paper and smuggle it out but no, they just gave me my journal and said I posed no threat, except to Aragorn and myself, neither of whom they cared about. Insulted. Also incredibly boring and claustrophobic with Aragorn- hope I don't have to spend time with him when we're older. Cannot trust him. Or more accurately, he cannot trust me. A compliment.

PPS strangely, do feel more kindly disposed towards him now though. Wanker that he is.

surviving suicide attempts. Kinds of defeats the purpose. Hmmm. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? Is it down the road or across the street?


	37. GENIUS

badly written goth songs. Elyon

Alphonz Edward the 19th, Lord of the moruge de cheese

**JOURNAL**

**PRISON!** It would suck but i have plenty of time to practise my skills as the most freaking **AWESOME** singer-songwriter-poet in the world.

**MWAHAHAHHAAAHAHAAAA** Aragorn is starving to death. Elves don't need to sleep, so I stay up late and steal all his food.

Anyway, this is an example of My Art so far…

Ahem,

_**Misunderstood, alone and sad,**_

_**Everybody thinks I'm mad,**_

_**Because I dare to be myself,**_

_**But really it's only because the fuckers are JEALOUS!**_

Because I'm the best looking!

and

_**Wake me up inside**_

_**I'm not OK**_

_**I'm sorry, I can't be perfect**_

_**yeah I'm not Ok no I'm not o-fucking k**_

_**here I am now**_

_**entertain me**_

_**bring me to life**_

_**I am the champion**_

_**you all suck**_

Here's another, it's very touching

_**When you stuck your tongue inside his face**_

_**My heart was broken, it was intense, man, really intense**_

_**I wish you'd done it in another place**_

_**Now I have the urge to kill you with a tree**_

hmmmm…..

what rhymes with intense?

Fence. tents. sense. cents? hence…

**When you kissed that dirty mortal scum**

**It made me want to kick his ass**

no hang on! I've got it….

it made me want to kick his bum

something-something, something- cry

something, something, want to die.

I am so goth

I wish you'd fuck off

these aren't inspired by anything in particular. just pain

I AM A GENIUS

LATER

P.S the guy in the cell next to me is called Alphonz Edward the 19th, Lord of the moruge de cheese. in here for physical assault, stalking behaviour and violation of restraining orders. I think he dances to his own tango if you know what I mean? He stews his own kettle. He's round the bendy thing.

PPPS wonder who he stalked?

PPPS he doen


	38. PRISON IS FUN!

Dear journal

The worse thing about being in prison is, like… how do I put this? Ok, you know the Shawshank Redemption? That movie. (It has no hot chicks in it. NONE! How fucked up is that?) but yeah you know what else is fucked up? You know the shower scenes… OK, well, the showers here are really BLOODY COLD. Freezing. I mean, you'd think us criminals would at least get hot showers! And soap. The soap here is really slippery. Random.

So anyway I am like way. Way more smarter than all the other people here. They are such criminals I tell you. They finally moved me and Aragorn into separate cells, because he was starving to death offensively in my direction, (what a wuss, I told him he should be grateful cos he could pretend to be a political martyr, only he isn't political, and then amnesty international could bust our asses outta here. I was imagining them as hot chicks in black leather, like Charlie's Angels, with guns blazing, using snazzy gadgets to rescue us from the ceiling but apparently not, they don't do stuff like that Aragorn says. Apparently they're a human rights group Humans have rights? Who knew?)

The people here love me and do stuff to make me happy. And I kept laughing insanely so they'd put me in the isolation unit. Yay the isolation unit is all dark so I stalk around it being Goth. But then it got boring and I couldn't see to write my journal so I set it on fire . They say I am a special case cos they have never seen anyone setting something on fire with just a mattress and no flame. I win!

I always knew I was special. They're withholding visitors. Yay I get to bite the prison psychiatrist tomorrow. Wonder what they taste like.

I sing all night cos I don't have to sleep but apparently everyone else does. I really pissed everyone off yesterday cos I escaped. That pretty much annoyed them. I went into the kitchen and made everyone else vegetarian like me by picking off the salami out of the prison food and eating it. that annoyed everyone. the prison officers looked pretty annoyed too and had big guns and I was gonna do the whole bullet-dodging thing but slipped and landed on my ass, which they then kicked and sent back into its cell, rest of me attached. Probably quite lucky cos now I remember can't actually dodge bullets.

But what is their fucking problem with taking a little walk? Just cos I'm in prison shouldn't mean I shouldn't have my freedom!

I really like prison cos I learn all these awesome new tricks from my happy friends here. As you can tell I'm in a really happy happy mood. Happy. Not often happy. The guy in the cell next door dug through my wall and got a bit upset. I told him the outside was behind the other wall.

They stuck this guy in my cell with me. I don't know if it's supposed to be a punishment or reward? He is six foot six and covered in awesome tattoos. I told him some of them were spelt wrong. He's in for murder or tagging or something. He has someone's ear on a string around his neck and the teeth of the prison warden from his last prison in his pocket. He put the officers who tried to take the ear off him in intensive care. Now he has their teeth too. I call him Bob.

Tomorrow I am gonna tell him that I slept with his mother. I love making new friends but I like new enemies too. So much to look forward.

ouch Bob just tried to push my face into a brick wall but really, after fighting Aragorn he is a breeze. He doesn't have Destiny on his side. Fucking Destiny. Fucking Aragorn. Normal kids didn't have the Water Pistol of Isildur which it is impossible to beat, even if you cheat and use the Hose of the Back garden. It doesn't break even if you jump up and down on it. Not that I did.

yay supper I am going to steal Bob's but not eat it just look at it. It is raw steak a special diet I think I will lecture him on animal rights

LATERSZ


	39. GREEN PEACE IS FULL OF WANKERS!

HEY GUYS I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT, BEFOR I START THE CHAPTER, I JUST HAVE TO SAY A VERY BIG THANK YOU TO ALL MY READERS OUT THERE AND TO ONE PERSON IN PARTICULAR EMILLY THANKS GIRL!

I KNOW YOU NEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME FOR A LONG TIME, AND I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT THERE STILL IS SOMETHING WRONG.

BUT I GOT IT ALL OUT AND FEEL MUCH BETTER. AND THAT WAS DUE IN LARG PART TO YOU, AND HOLLY.

BUT THIS IS A THANK YOU TO YOU SO THANK YOU AND HERE IS YOUR UPDATE GIRL, JUST FOR YOU AND I'LL TAKE OVER THE UPDATES UNTILL I LOSE IT AGAIN LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT BEFOR I START, I FOUND THIS AWESOME SONG THAT I THINK YOU SHOULD ALL LESTEN TO, HERE ARE THE LYRICS:

**Ugly Lyrics**

**By The Exies**

Are you ugly?

A liar like me?

A user, a lost soul?

Someone you don't know

Money it's no cure

A Sickness so pure

Are you like me?

Are you ugly?

Chorus

We are dirt, we are alone

You know we are far from sober!

We are fake, we are afraid

You know it's far from over

We are dirt we are alone

You know we are far from sober!

Look closer, are you like me?

Are you ugly?

Turn a blind eye

Why do I deny?

Medicate me

So I die Happy

A strain of cancer

Chokes the answers

Are you like me?

A liar like me?

Chorus

I don't care, you don't care

I'm bitter, you're angry.

You don't care, I don't care

You love you, just like me

I blame you, you blame me

I'm bitter, you're angry.

You don't care, I don't care

You love you, like me

Chorus

Are you Ugly? 3x

OH WELL, HERE IT IS LOOK IT UP SOME TIME. LOVE YOU ALL! HERE'S YOUR UPDATE.

PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!

OH BY THE WAY, GREEN PEACE GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Journal,

Today I became an official member of green peace and when I say I became a member I mean that two members or wanker's as I like to call them cornered me in one of my many very dark, emo, brooding, stand in corner, recite and make up pathetic poetry, cut myself, side streets.

When they cornered me they had baseball bats and guns and FORCED ME TO JOIN THERE GROUP! BASTARDS! DON'T GET ME WRONG I LOVE WHAT THEY DO FOR THE ENVIROMENT, AND ANIMALS AND SHIT, BUT DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT! ASSHOLES!!!

Nothing in this world is ever free.

Ok so I was just standing in my side street (and yes journal it is my side street, it belongs to me I own it, so there) being emo and taking up space, because no one understands me and what it really means to be me and be emo, when these two weirdo's come up to me and are all like:

'Hey man were from a group called green peace'

'Do you know who we are?'

And I was all like 'what the fuck just because I'm emo you think I don't know who you are I KNOW WHO GREEN PEACE IS! IM NOT STUPID! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, MY LIFE IS SO HARD!'

Then they where all like 'wow man calm down all we want to talk to you about is if you would like to join our group'

Then I was like 'ok'

Then they were like 'that's so awesome Legolas now what we need is like a monthly payment of at the very least $10, could you be able to afford that' 

Then I was like 'FUCK THAT SHIT! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM MADE OF MONEY! BITCH TAKE YOUR SHIT ELSE WHERE'S'

Then they like pulled out a gun and a baseball bat and were like 'join our fucking club bitch or we'll mug you'

And so you know what I did I …singed that form (well what do you expect me to do journal, die? No one will ever kill Legolas except… Legolas of course)

Right now journal I'm back with my very old friends the police, or as I like to call them the pig's hahahahahahahaha (it's funny because they look like pigs all humans do its in there DNA) I am in this cop car for one reason and one reason alone indecent exposure oh and because I escaped prison early this morning.

Well lets just say that if you're a member of green peace you can not run around naked in a park the law is the same for everyone (oh and also don't scream stuff like 'I'm in green peace' the cops hate them god damn hippies and they will beat you badly, and charge you with indecent exposure)

All in all I think I have had a very productive day today, now journal if you will excuse me I have to try to commit suicide with a spoon under the table in the lunch room and steal and eat all of Bob's dessert, write more later.

Laterz.

THERE WE ARE CHILDREN, NOW REVIEW AND TELL ME HOW FUCKED UP THAT WAS.

I HAVE ANOTHER UPDATE FOR YOU, AND WILL PUT IT UP AS FAST AS I CAN, OH AND PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, REVIEW OR I SHALL DIE!

LATER.


	40. I CAN'T FEEL MY RIGHT LEG!

**HERE'S AN UPDATE FOR YOU PEOPLE I HOPE YOU LIKE IT AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!** **LATER DAYZ**

Dear journal

I have to get out, you here me, I need to get out, **NOW!**

They just announced that the wwe was going to make an appearance in my home town, and I now must get out, and go see the wwe to realize my dream, my dream of becoming a world renown wrestler, also I don't know if this has any thing to do with the fact that I want to get out, but all the inmates are trying to kill me.

I some how ended up breaking all the TVs in the prison, in a failed suicide attempt.

If you ask me there behavior is very pathetic and they should just get over it, I mean at first I was excited, I mean wouldn't you be I got so many death treats, and I really thought this time I would die you know because these where really creative notes, so yeah I got my hopes up and they were dashed.

I was stabbed oh that's so original, it's not like I've ever stabbed myself, **GOD** when will they ever learn, stabbing is so last year.

Anyway my mum came to see me and cried for an hour about how sad it all was, you know that I was in prison, and she was out there, eating cake and how I couldn't ever eat cake, fuck my mums lost it **hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha**, she will pay for this, no journal she has done something wrong **GOD**, the thing she has done wrong was give birth to me, the **wench**.

Oh also on a lighter note, I have lost all feeling in my right leg, is this normal?

Oh well whatever I've been putting thumb tacks in my leg to see if it will hurt, it didn't hut but they look really cool so, I made them into a rainbow they look awesome.

I stuck some in bobs leg, so we could be twins he didn't like that very much, and then he hit me with a table, the **fucker**, journal its not funny it really hurt, anyway they stuck him in solitary confinement, and it sucks because I want to be in solitary, its not fear bob gets all the luck, he's in solitary, he can feel both his legs and he has naturally black hair.

**BARSTARD!**

**Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha** I'm gona be out soon the government is so stupid they say because I'm under 18 I have to finish school, they are so stupid if it's the last thing I do I will kill all the world leaders, **hahahahahahahahahahahaha,** all shall fear me, but I guess I have to go back to school now, **gay**, I'll be out in three days journal, but until then I'm sure bob really misses my company in solitary.

LATERZ 

P.S. Hey Emily want to hang out some time in the holidays, if you want to drop me a line some time.


	41. YOGA & ROBOT DOGS

Dear journal

This is the most awesome friggin' news since at least Wednesday. When I get out of jail I get my very own parole officer! Awesome! I don't know exactly what that means, but it means everyone will believe me when I tell them I was in jail. Possibly some kind of **robot dog**???

Meh, I have to go back to school quite soon actually. I'm too good for them. I feel as if I have a higher destiny. Not many kids my age have been in jail for **DESTROYING THE ENTIRE WORLD AND TAKING OVER THE GOVERNMENT!!!!! **

**HAHAHAHA!!!!! THEY SAID I WAS MAD!!!! THEY SAID I WAS FROTHING AT THE BRAIN!!!! THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER WORK!!! BUT I SHOWED THEM!!!! I SHOWED THEM ALL!!!!!!! NOW THEY SEE THE TRUTH!!**

FUCKERS.

Anyway. I think me and Bob should stay in contact. We should get friendship rings. But now rings just seem so ….lame. If they don't make you invisible or corrupt your soul people don't find them that exciting. WELL I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY THINK!!! **I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!!** I'LL SHOW THEM ALL. Jewellery is so tacky anyway. **RINGS ARE FOR WANKERS, YOU HEAR ME FRODO??** Mr Frodo, thinks he's worthy of so much _respect,_ just because he's the 'only one' who can **'save the world'** hahahahaha fuck the world.

**The whales are all getting cut up into tiny squishy pieces and the baby whales are all alooone, all alone like me** (I identify with whales) and it's upsetting, and also it's global warming, which means I won't be able to wear black leather and I'll get sunburnt, so that sucks, we are all doomed.

If I had the ring I'd use it to save the whales and go overseas to attack the president by throwing something at him. Something sticky and embarrassing, possibly play dough. and I'd delete war, because nothing is worse then when you're feeling really sorry for yourself and you complain to your girl-friend (EX-girlfriend, not that I give a shit) and she's like, well at least your house didn't just get **BOMBED** and I'm like, **I AM THE BOMB** ( I am also so nineties). And she says at least your parents are still alive, and then you're like, I WISH THEY WEREN'T and she accuses you of being selfish (Journal I cannot _help _it if the world ought to revolve around me, people need a centre to their lives) so yeah, war is annoying, it takes attention away from my problems.

Also I'd delete my mum's boyfriend and pull out all Aragorn's nasal hair, (secretly, causing him great pain) and buy myself a new kitten.

The thing is, I am so totally awesome and Frodo doesn't even get any action when everyone's completely crunk. So why? Why HIM??? **NOT THAT I'M BITTER OR ANYTHING. **

Jewellery is so tacky anyway.

Except for like, facial piercing. I stuck a paperclip up my nose the other day and looked _so completely bad-ass._ Sticking metal through your face is **awesome,** it's like, **a symbol of awesomeness**. It threatens people, because it's individual. It shows you don't follow trends.

Me and Bob should get matching Eyebrow piercings that _glow in the dark…_

My counsellor says I need to have plans. Positive Goals to focus on. My counsellor screams a lot. Well, when he's on fire he does. How was I to know that he didn't mean for me to express myself with kerosene? And it wasn't my fault he was smoking and sneezed and like, dropped the match all over the flammable stuff I'd accidentally made pretty patterns with.

The counsellor's pretty cool though cos he has a TATTOO. Of a butterfly. I admire him for that, and for the awesome positions he achieves when he's burning. I think it's yoga.

So here are my goals: in chronological order.

**Get awesome girlfriend, or just some action**

**Save the whales **

**locate a pet kitten, nurture it**

**Kill myself**

**Kill Aragorn, and my teachers**

**Divorce my step-dad**

**get some awesome and interesting new scars**

**become a wrestler. If not WWE then Sumo. Although possibly do not have the build.**

**Paint my room black, I bet no-one's ever done that before. Get piercings to prove that I am cool**

**Be friends with Bob**

**steal someone else's drum kit, and learn to play it. Also yoga.**

**Find out exactly what a Parole officer can be used for. Exploit it. Set the parole officer on kids at school to beat them up and steal their lunch money. **

**die**

heh Bob is an acronym for Bend Over Backwards. That's how people learnt to pick up the soap around here. I dunno why. I think it's to do with yoga.

Lots of love and cuddles and strawberry scented shampoo

LEGOLAS

**I RULE**

**yep sweet Julia I'll text you **


	42. LEGGY GOES TO CHURCH

**REVIEW OR DIE SAD MORTALS. **_Please?_

Dear journal,

I had a totally **LAME** Christmas, I was looking forward to celebrating it with Bob but NO, **NO THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN FOR IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE**. I had to leave jail. I was kicked out (so ungrateful after all I've done for the place) and return to my FAMILY. BLEH. which means my mum and her boyfriend who always uses up all the _towels._

The **fucker!! **DOESN'T HE KNOW **THE TOWELS ARE MINE**?????

Family??? THIS IS NOT WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT!!!

Who is this Chris person anyway and why are we celebrating his mas? What does mas even stand for?? Millions of Attacking Sheep? ha. don't try and lull me into a false sense of security, journal. There's no point telling you my problems. I know you hate my problems. Damn you, you're in league with Chris' sheep. All million of them. well, may they attack you straight back. It would serve you right because you're ugly. **Ugly people suck and I am beautiful**. And before you point out that you are not a person, ugly journals suck too. And you, journal, are ugly. Anyway you can't point out anything because you're not a person. You're too ugly to be allowed to have an opinion (cheap, crappy notebook with coffee stains on the pages, and once my pen leaked**). And you suck too much. Ha, that is only one of the many ways in which I am far too superior to you.**

I'll tell you what Christmas is really about. Christmas is about **GIRLFRIENDS.**

I was really looking forward to be given my robot dog parole officer I thought it would make up for the intense emotional pain of Christmas, but no. The conversation went like this:

Policeman: (opens the back of the prison van) Stop strangling yourself, kid. You're home now.

Me: (as soon as I can breathe enough to talk) WRAHAHAHA!!!! THAT'S WHAT_ YOU _THINK!!! WELL **YOU CAN TAKE MY LIFE BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM**!!!! (stabs self repeatedly in arm with pen I was allowed in prison to write journal with.)

policeman: er…. it's OK, kid, you can keep both _mutters _they're not cracking down on the drugs hard enough

Me: **WAIT TIL I'M FREE OF THESE CHAINS….**

Policewoman: we didn't give you any, remember? you're not allowed anything shiny. it distracts and confuses you

Me: **I HATE YOU FOR YOUR _FACE_ (**tries to jump out of van door and stab policeman with pen simultaneously, misses policeman, misses door, trips, knocks self unconscious)

last words I hear before the blackness takes me:

Policeman: Are you sure we should allow him out?

Policewoman: Yep, he's been psychiatrically assessed and he's harmless

After that cunning escape was quite sleepy. They say I have concussion, but I did not steal anything. Anyway, about this girlfriend.

I was wondering where Aragorn was. You see, I have not seen him, journal, since assaulting him and being assaulted by him to the point where we were imprisoned for being Drunk and Disorderly. So, knowing that inside Aragorn is soft and gooey (his guts are in fact caramel) I decided to pay him a visit, knowing he will not only have forgiven me but be delighted to see me, sympathetic about my prison sentence, and eager to rebuild the friendship we once had. Then, counting on his goodness and loyalty, he will undoubtedly turn his back on me to make me a cup of tea in my favourite cup. The plan is, I shall drink the tea, and then murder him.

Sadly, this plan must know take place on another day, perhaps next Tuesday, as I lost myself and ended up in a church. **Yes, journal, me, in a church**. And there, I fell in love. With this girl I recognise vaguely from school. I stood at the back of the congregation and watched her all through the service with the pastor droning on about sin. Then, after, we were served tea and biscuits. I did not know you got free food at church. (And yes journal the tea did remind me of my urgent errand murdering my former best friend, but lust won over violence- just- plus I was hungry)

She is not actually my girlfriend _yet._ But I am **manly** and **gorgeous **so it is only a matter of time. She did, however talk to me. She said, 'I recognise you from school, Legolas isn't it?' And I sort of muttered in reply and my ears went red. Girls are so goddamn terrifying and mysterious. Then I went all quiet and she burbled on about the joy of church, but I was too busy admiring the way her round glasses added a level of charm and depth to her pale and slightly watery eyes. then she asked me a question obviously she cares very deeply about me, although she did seem a bit bored of my lack of conversation and freaked out by my awesome **SPAWN OF DEATH OF THE SATANIC CULT OF DARKNESS, PAIN, EXTREME HEADBANGING AND EVEN MORE DEATH** band t-shirt. Because it's mauve.

She said, 'I didn't know you were a Christian! I never see you at the meetings we have at school!' And I said, very wittily, yeah

then I realised I could possibly be impressing her slightly more if I was a patch of mould on the church ceiling, or possibly a bible, so I decided I should put more spunk into my half of the conversation.

So when she said, 'Isn't Jesus great?' I shouted **'FUCK YEAH!!' **soon after that I had to leave the church, but I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I have to fight girls off with a stick. I wish I wasn't so scared of them though. I wasn't scared of Kali…

Mustn't think about that. I shall tell you, lovely hateful friendly ugly journal, about my Family Christmas Dinner with My Grandparents, next time.

Love and fairy glitter,

LEGOLAS

**I RULE TWICE**

wanna do something after new years Julia? I shall be lonely


	43. THE BITCH KICKED MY DOG

Dear Journal,

I hate life, my parents, grandparents and the world for reasons that I can't think of right now all I know is that I got gay stupid and cheap Christmas presents this year not that last year was any better.

The only good thing that came out of Christmas dinner with the freaks that I call my family is that my sister came, Jane and she brought her boyfriend I really don't like him because he took one look at me and was like:

"Wow, hey I didn't know you had an emo in the family"

**ASSHOLE.**

Can you believe him journal calling me an **EMO**, just because my hair is black and cut so that the fringe sweeps down into my eye and totally blocks it from view does not make me an **EMO**, nor the fact that I wear eyeliner, paint my nails black, wear black band t-shirts, skinny leg jeans, black chuck tailors and listen to simple plan, my chemical romance and other **EMO** bands does not make me **EMO** (you fags stereo typing me like that. **GOD**, people these days).

It makes me poser **EMO**, **GOD**.

Anyway he's an **asshole** and I'm now an **EMO**, even if I hate them EOM'S, I have to learn to live with them in harmony as god would because god loves all his creations ………………………… ………… ………………………… Aaaaaahhhhh screw it, **DEATH TO ALL EMO'S!!!**

I'm trying to get through this god thing but it just isn't my cup of tea you know praying for forgiveness and shit, atoning for my sins.

What sins?

I have no sins everything I do is for the greater good of humanity, and if you can't see that then **GET FUCKED ASSHOLE! Because I really don't give a shit!**

**I AM THE EVIL SPAWN OF SATAN HERE ME AND COWER IN FEAR BEFOR YOUR GOD MORTALS!!!**

I also slashed my wrists and wrote everyone's cards out in blood, it was so funny seeing the looks on there faces, hahahahahahahahahahahaha it was awesome well worth the dizziness and black outs I had later from the blood loss.

It seems that when I was out of it due to blood loss I had threatened everyone with death, and then told Sauron how much of a jackass he is, because he can't even keep track of his stupid cheap gold nock off.

He didn't like that much, and has now sworn vengeance (what are we in some retarded old in day film) I'm just gona beat the shit out of him with my baseball bat.

Oh did I mention that yes Sauron is my sisters new boyfriend, apparently she is attracted to ass holes, hahahahahahahaha, she's attracted to assholes haha, get it, do you get it? hahahahaha I'm so funny.

Any way new neighbor's moved next door and they are from England I tried to be nice but well **THE BITCH KICKED MY DOG!** Now **SHE WILL** **PAY WITH HER LIFE HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**

I'm so evil I love me, well I'm off journal I have to go burn down some ones house, then set said person on fire, write more later.

**LATER.**

**HEY, HOPE YOU LIKE THE UPDATE. SORRY FOR HOW LONG IT TOOK JUST TRYING TO GET MY LIFE IN ORDER, LOL, WELL MORE UPDATES ARE ON THERE WAY, HOPE YOU LIKE IT.**

**GOOD NIGHT READERS AND SWEET DREAMS!!!**


	44. GOING TO GRANDMAS!

Dear Journal,

OK, so it's May. The perfect time to write about Christmas dinner, yes?

My mother and her toyboy-manfriend-cavething cannot cook, this is unfortunate because it means my grandmother spontaneaously decides to feed me. On boiled potatoes and custard. At totally random intervals during the year. Like Christmas day.

She believes i am 'wasting away', to which i reply, yeah g-ma, i totally fuckin' wasted on yo' ass, bro!

And she says, darling, what _are_ they teaching you at school these days? That hardly sounds like English.

She knits me scarves. And pointy-ear warmers. But she refuses to knit skulls into them. I asked her for a skull cap once and was most disappointed when it didn't have a bone motif. Surely, it can't be a real skull cap if there aren't bones all over it? I mean, dude. How am i supposed to be a friggin' pirate without BONES???

Emos are so last year. I'm glad i never was one. I, ladies and gentlemen, do not follow trends. i am unique. I am a pirate.

An emo-pirate. But maybe a gangster. I have not yet decided.

She says bring your girlfriend for dinner, dear. I lie and say my girlfriend is busy. However, my grandma is a pretty on-to-it old lady. She insists on meeting this 'girlfriend'. I say, ah...she can't come to dinner any time this yeat. She's having a shower.

OK, so I'm not good at excuses, but it ought to fool someone old, surely? ((Grandma is human. Or at least wrinkly)

Anyway, PIRATES DO NOT NEED GIRLFRIENDS!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

flashback. Me, sister Jane, her flaming boyfriend with conjuctivitis (hahaha i am so witty, but man, why do i insult Sauron to his face? he is much bigger than me, also knows karate, also is not skinny weedy elf, and once pushed Aragorn's head into sink for half an hour, dude, Aragorn is like, _tougher even than me!!_!! Sauron must be made of solid muscle except know he looks a bit.. hotter. And less substantial. But i dunno...what does Jane see in him? Sure there's that whole 'gazing deep into eyes' thing, but... well there's not much advantage in the tongue department, that's all I'm saying, i don't want anything to catch fire down there, and anyway...ugh.)

Attempts to derail train of thought with hijacking, india-jones style mental cowboys. fails. Train crashes into image of sister and Sauron...no survivors. Train explodes.

While I'm recovering from this mental trauma, g-ma is asking me steely questions about girlfriend and sex life i in fact do not have.

G-ma: 'So are you and your girlfriend having sex yet, leggy darling? remember, no glove, no love. Slip on a skin before you slip in.'

What the hell is the women talking about??? Are all human grandmothers like this??? I don't get it. Is it some kind of obscure reference to nt getting sunburnt???

Apart from the interrogation, which is full of strange codewords that make Jane laugh into her pasta and me blush (I am so lost), it is a very polite dinner. Oh so polite. Would not dare to not use my knife and fork properly around Gma.

Gma: so darlings, isn't this lovely? all the family - and new friends, of course, Sauronny dear- together for this festive season, the most holiest of days. it's so nice to be with one's nearest and dearest-

Jane: Uh, gma, I hate my brother, and anyway, you always refuse to invite mum.

Me: thanks a lot.

Gma: When your mother gets rid of that scum litering the sancity of the marriage bed, she will be welcome back into the family, provided she confesses and brings her husband back with her.

(My grandma doesn't believe in divorce. Or adultery, Or sushi, or dishwashers, or television, or the Prime Minister, or emos, or black clothing exccept for widows, or the year 2000, or rest homes, football, socks made of nylon, tea in a bag, aeroplanes, jeans, trousers on girls, Buddhism, hinduism, Jehovah's witnessism, hippies, canned sweetcorn, genetic engineering, the teletubbies, the existence of Australia, fairy tales for children, Harry Potter, or whales.

Strangely, she is a big believer in pre-marital sex. Quote: I was always getting it on, and getting off, when I was young. )

Gma: let us say our prayers for the baby Jesus

(Sauron was glowering, but he can't help it really, its what he does.)

Gma: dear lord, for this food you have kindly put onto our plates and our dear family memdbers absent today, we thank you. May you pour down your blessings on us your children so that we may-

Me: FUCK!!! FUCK!!!! I just squirted lemon Juice in my eye!!! OW, Jesus Christ, It HURTS!!!! I"M BLIND!!! IT HURTS!!!!

AM in mucho disgrace. Bruises from Gma. Also Jane hates me as thinks i was insensitive to Sauron. Though also hated me before that. Hmmm

ja mata, hasta luego,

L to the G to the LAS, yo


	45. QUEST!

Dear Journal,

I am back!! Though not from outer space. I would apologise to all my fans out there, but I really don't have fans, because I'm so cool already.

In four days, or maybe five days, I will have kept this journal for 3 years. You hear me, journal! I am your master! And I accidentally bled into my lemonade.

I have been away. I went to Antarctica, and fed penguins for a while.

Anyway, I will explain what happened in the year or so I wasn't filling your life with meaning, journal. Without me, your pages are as blank as the sheep I am surrounded with.

OK, so, remember this Sauron guy that my sis Jane was dating? Fucking wanker. Materialistic wanker. Not like me.

Yeah, he got in deep, man, real deep. EW, JOURNAL, not in that way you FUCKING SICKO. (Oh man, on a side note, I got laid! LAID! YUSS. Don't tell Aragorn. His girlfriend is damn hot in the sack. Well, we weren't in a sack. We were in a honda.

Now I know what IT is!)

Sauron got in deep with the LAW. Trouble, that is. He set himself up as this big ole' gangster, like an old fashioned gangster with an Italian name. I used to be a gangster, but I decided that I didn;t need the brotherhood.They were too soft for me.

So he's supposed to be this old fashioned gangster, but he still likes his bling. That little Frodo creep, I didn;t think he'd have the guts to do this, but he stole his damn ring. I mean, WhAT THE FUCK, Frodo is such a hobbitosexual.

OOH SAURON FRODO WANTS TO PUT HIS FINGER IN YOUR RING

I mean what the FUCK.

Ew, I just creeped myself out so badly I tried to bleed out the creeped-out ness, who knew, it's a pretty red.

Anyways, so Sauron is now like lord of all creation, or at least West Auckland (Orcland now). And keeps attacking the supermarket with his damn orc jocks.

And Gandalf, sorry MISTER Gandalf (wanker) told US we had to go take his property back to him. At least, I think that's what he said, I was distracted at a crucial moment by a pretty butterfly. It tasted good, like peanut butter.

These are the pitiful fools who Gandalf fuckin' Galdalfini roped in to do his dirty work for him.

Me, (I'm in charge of the expedition, I have to return the tacky jewellry and then become king?) Aragorn (fucking suck up, he's head boy this year, big whoo, who's surprised?) Frodo the fucking little creep, Sam, (ew he smells of potatoes), Pippin and Merry (godDAMNIT), Boromir (between you and me I think our friend Boromir has a screw loose), Gimli (Oh my god fucking dwarves are so intolerant of other races, and everyone knows short people aren't very intelligent), and ARWEN who is a GIRL so obviously sucks though I suppose it makes up for all the fucking humans.Although fucking humans is one of her many talents. And Kali. Who's name I've forgotten because she MEANS THAT LITTLE TO ME.

SHUT UP.

Frodo is the only one who can save the world (like, whatever. ) but even though he's the next goddamn Al gory Gore, he will not win, he will be less cool than I, and I am in charge. I'm so much cooler because I'm destined to be kING

OK. Al Gore isn't gory, i made that up to make him sound cooller than he really is.

Yeah. I have a destiny! Woo! we are on a QUEST!!

quest quest quest questy questy quest. Question.

Gandalf says it'll be really dangerous, and that he'll just pop in and out occasionally.

Fucker.

Muchlove and squishy peeled rabbits,

LEGOLAs


	46. The quest begins! FUCK YEAH

Dear journal,

Ok. So we set out from Elrond's house with mummy and daddy Elrond waving at their sweet little Aragorn son all teary eyed. It was enough to make me vomit, but I don't vomit, unless I do it for effect.

So I'm all, yeah, I'm going to lead us all out of the gate and look the prettiest, and when we get a few miles away I'll kill everyone and eat the ring. For fun. Then i'll tell Sauron that Sam ate it. I hate Sam.

But THEN! Then we all have to wait while Mr and Mrs Elrond fuss over dear lil Aragorn, like he's not spoilt enough. Fucking human. I'd get really pissed off but I just keep reminding myself that humans don't live very long. It's just like being nice to an old person in a retirement village.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

They're all, 'look son, we fixed your sword for you!'

" Gee, thanks mum and dad!" said sweetie sugar smarmy Aragorn pants, whose face I HATE

They're all 'do you have your lunch-box, dear? Will you write to us, sweetie? Do be careful of those slightly nasty orcs! They can be a bit rough.'

NO SHIT. I KNOW THAT. EVEN THAT SWEATY BEARDED FREAK KNOWS THAT. AND THE OTHER SWEATY BEARDED FREAK. The only people who DON"T know that are the puny little hobbits, but I figure they're only coming with us as a kind of mobile snack anyway, or to amuse us. Like you take a soccer ball to the beach. You need _something _to kick around.

It'll be HILARIOUS when they first meet an orc or two. I totally am taking photos for facebook.

The way I see it, right, if we're gonna be on this questyquest a long time, we'll need something fresh to eat. Hobbits are awesome cos they walk on their own little feet, just like people. We don't even have to carry them. And, even better, because they're alive, they'll still be fresh whenever we decide to eat them. It'll be great.

Also, I'm a vegetarian so I need something to eat. i reckon Sam would feed us all.

I told Aragorn this, and he laughed nervously, as if i was joking. I'm not. Sam really would feed us all.

Aragorn also said: I wouldn't really mind carrying Frodo. If he needs help, i mean. I'd be glad to help.

EW. I threw up (for effect). So he hit me.

I told Boromir and he muttered something to himself, and looked all crazy like. So i muttered to myself and pretended to look all crazy like, so he hit me.

I told Gimli and he was very rude about elves. Called me a murdering psychopath. So I threatened to eat him, and took a bite out of his beard. It tasted like noodles if noodles had been dried for a year and rolled in some pondweed. So he hit me.

Merry and Pippin skipped up and asked me why Gimli had hit me. It's so cute, the way they look like they're capable of rational thought. They almost seem to be responding to what's going on. I told them i was going to eat them. They laughed nervously. So i hit Aragorn.

A bit later, this guy walks up to Boromir and starts trying to suck his blood. I was all like, hilarious! I'm gonna join in! So I was about to shoot Boromir right, with my favourite pointy sharp weapons, and then the sun came out, and what did the freaking blood sucker do? He started sparkling in the sunlight. What the FUCK?? WHO SPARKLES IN THE SUN?? Anyway, the light dazzled me and I ended up shooting Mr Twinkle by accident.

I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if a million fangirls had cried out in disappointed lust, and were suddenly silenced.

Oh well.

this quest is going to be AWESOME. I'm so glad i'm in charge.

PS Happy 21st Julia. I hate you. I hate everyone! You're not even special! HAHAHA. SHAME. I AM SPECIAL. I AM MORE SPECIAL THAN YOU. WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. FINE!!! FUCK YOU TOO! I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN.


End file.
